Queen’s Journal: Trollophobic


In an uncharacteristically cruel twist on their usual inclusive drivel, the Queen’s Journal has shown its ugly side: a recently published article revealed deep veins of trollophobia. Anonymous online trolls, a sensitive, underrepresented minority among the student population, were reviled as “sadistic”, “psychopathic”, and even “narcissistic”, labels which were unjustly earned after one Journal reporter was probably made fun of by someone once.
“This is an outrage,” says DBZ_FAN9001, a member of the local chapter of the Proudly Righteous Anonymous Trolls Society, or the P.R.A.T.S. “We’ve done nothing to deserve such rudeness from people who never took the time to get to know us. I mean, we’re kind of anonymous, and I guess that’s the point, but still. It was pretty mean.” DBZ_FAN9001, who is also a member of the Passive-Aggressive Students’ Society, added “If you have a problem with trolls, you could probably, like, stop reading comments on Reddit. Unless it’s too hard for you. You don’t have to. We’re just trying to make people’s lives better by pointing out the glaring inaccuracies in their logic, but if you don’t want our freely offered help, I guess that’s your choice.” DBZ_FAN9001 then went back to righteously reminding a Youtube fashion vlogger that they had no right buying $500 sunglasses “just for attention”, and laughing at people doing the ALS Ice Bucket challenge for “acting like sheep”.
    Niccolo Machiavelli, a 16th-century Italian philosopher, diplomat, and historian, takes offence to the Journal referring to trolls as “Machiavellian”. “What the hell does that even mean?” he asked, living in exile after being kicked out of Florence for being a huge dick. “You write one little book on how being a good person means jack shit and how you should lead people by being an asshole, and suddenly everyone who leaves a nasty comment on a Journal article is a devoted follower of your philosophy? Actually, that’s pretty fucking sick. Anyone who wants to join the Machiavelli train is welcome!”
    Anonymous trolls can usually be spotted by their traditional garb, made up of generally unwashed, ratty clothing. They are extremely sensitive to being ignored and will do their best to make themselves and their (usually dumb) opinions known in large groups. The fact that they cannot be distinguished easily from frosh makes them a group at risk for disappearing entirely. Either that, or perhaps all frosh are trolls, or all trolls are frosh. Such a matter deserves further investigation.