Queen’s Professor Finally Figures Out How To Make Projector Work


    After years of postdoctoral research on Gauss-Euler homomorphic rings in a Unidirectional field under nonlinear Riemann transformations, Dr. Augustus Yelton made his greatest scientific breakthrough yet. This past Monday, March 20th, Yelton figured out how to turn on the projector before his second lecture of the day. For other mathematicians in his field, the discover is both astounding and a remarkable breakthrough. Other professors at Queen’s have quickly begun to solve other scientific issues that have plagued them for decades, like how to turn off the front lights but keep the back lights on, how to make videos have audio, and how to skip YouTube advertisements instead of needing to snidely remark on how they “need to get” that Swiffer WetJet.

    “It truly was a remarkable day”, said Dr. Yelton, sweating visibly from excitement. “For decades I have had to call the IT guy to come 20 minutes into the lecture to flip a switch. We’d continue to fall farther and farther behind on content! I don’t really care about that, but some students are upset when content we never got to is on the exam, so this is a great help. I mean nonlinear Riemann transformations are a tricky thing to look into, but they aren’t even close to the immense difficulty of deciphering that podium!”

    Students in Yelton’s second year math lecture were reportedly flabbergasted, bewildered, and wholly bamboozled. An inside source noted that students immediately began to cry out in bewilderment. “How did you do that?” “Took you long enough!” “Can it really be?” “This is a math lecture, not a wizardry class!” While some students fled the Sterling Hall Auditorium in fear, others stayed and took advantage of visual aids to Yelton’s lecture. Overall, it was a wholly useful endeavour.

    While Queen’s has welcomed Yelton’s breakthrough with open arms, there are some that are concerned about the implications of such rapid progress. Luke Gilbert, ArtSci ‘18, is one of those individuals.

    “I was always that student who got brownie points when a prof asked for someone who “knew computering!” Now I’m just relegated to normal student status. I’m fearful that profs will no longer know my name, and other students will no longer think I’m some wizard,” exclaimed Gilbert.

    But it’s not just students who have concerns with this breakthrough development – professors are also citing issues. Some believe that such discoveries are dangerous for the future of teaching. Others just don’t want to fall behind their colleagues. Others just seem not to care.

    “Why do I need to be some super genius? I wrote my thesis on Tensor Analysis within the context of hyperdecentralized atomic substructures. Now you’re telling me I need to also know how to use A/V? As if! I’ll do that when I get around to looking at my USATs,” said astrophysics professor Dr. Robert Reynolds.

    Regardless of the debate, the implications of such a breakthrough for professors speak to the future of education at Queen’s University. Expect to see more slideshows that professors made in 2011 and haven’t changed in the near future.