Queen’s Student Drowning in Puss after Being Decent Human Being

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Donald Griff (Sci ‘17) has been heralded as “chivalrous” and “brave” for not opening a Tinder conversation with a picture of his penis. At the appropriate hour of 4:14 PM on a Wednesday afternoon, 3rd year Art History student and Tinder aficionado Amy BG was delighted to receive an opening message that asked about her day as opposed to a series of eggplant, raindrops and “okay sign” emojis.

“It was a really refreshing change of pace to not have to see a dick once I opened up my Tinder,” stated BG. “ The last time I was this excited about a guy was when he sent me a gif of a monkey eating a banana slowly. It meant that he cared enough about me to search for a gif.” BG has only expressed optimism moving forward in this relationship.

Griff has had tremendous success with women using this unusual method. Despite not being particularly smart, good looking or funny, Griff has been able to lay myriad of women simply by not opening with a picture of his package. “It’s pretty great – men have set the bar so low that as long as you aren’t literal scum, you’ll have a chance with a girl. Girls aren’t desperate or thirsty, their dating pool is just five guys who don’t open a conversation with a reference to cleavage,” reflected Griff.

Griff’s strategy and actions are revelatory for both men and women alike. Men have realized that there is a new and unexplored way to get into women’s pants. Fuck and Frat Bois alike are optimistic about these new advances. “It’s kind of unintuitive that a girl will actually like you back if you’re nice to her, but hey, if it gets my dick wet, i’ll do it. I’ll fuck anything,” stated Kappa Kappa Phi President Johnny Thames. Girls will also be relieved to know they can go back on Tinder and be treated with a shred of dignity. “This is very exciting! I really hope I can shake the pavlovian response of cringing and panicking every time I get a push notification,” stated Emily Moranis (Arts ‘19).

While some see this is social commentary on the double standard that is seen in modern dating and a clear discrepancy in the way men and women are treated, Griff sees this as an opportunity. “I don’t think I’m a wolf in sheep’s clothing, I see myself as more of a wolf in some girl’s pants. I think it’s a mutually beneficial relationship.” Griff closed by encouraging all men to realize that being slightly better than scum is all you need to swoon a lady.

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