Queen’s to Profs: “No New Buildings til you Figure out How to Use Light Switches and Projectors


Issuing an ultimatum to all faculty, Principal Daniel Woolf and the Queen’s Faculty stated that they are halting all plans for new or upgraded buildings and facilities on campus until they: “finally sort out how to use basic technology.”
This comes after years of student complaints regarding Queen’s professor’s’ ineptitude at operating such essential equipment as dimmer switches, projectors, HDMI ports, and many more. The University finally conducted an audit during the fall semester. The resulting 165-page report stated that this lack of knowledge has contributed to numerous classroom delays and inefficiencies that, when calculated over a student’s four-year undergraduate career, can lead to the equivalent of: 15 weeks of class missed, 12.6 fewer IQ points, and at least a letter-grade difference in grades. In addition, the waste of energy resulting from lightswitch struggles in particular have resulted in a gigatonne of C02 being released annually, a sea level rise of 2 cm and 300 hectares of the rainforest being burned down, somehow. 
The email continued: “these issues are of grave concern to this University. Therefore, until you all get your shit together we are completely cancelling any plans to build any new buildings filled with the stuff that your ‘genius’ minds can’t seem to grasp. I don’t care if McLaughlan Hall crumbles to the ground. It’s your own fault for not being able to memorize a three step process that projectors require.”
Recently returned from a month-long Norwegian bender following his Nobel Prize win, Dr. Arthur McDonald has this advice for his laurette-less colleagues: “For fuck sakes people, get your shit together! It’s only a projector! Jesus Fucking Christ! I’m over here discovering that neutrinos have mass, the least you can do is learn that there is a faster way to find a video than going to google.ca then searching for youtube, clicking on youtube, then searching for the video. Goddammit!”
All Queen’s Faculty will now be required to complete an 8 hour training course in using these technologies. This left many professors upset by the news. Speaking to Golden Words, Dr. John Hanes said that “this university continues to force these modern do-dads and gizmos which do nothing but make everything more confusing. What’s wrong with good old-fashioned overhead projectors? You can even write on em with a dry erase marker! Top that, Bill Gates!”
Susan Lord, head of the department of Film and Media–which is based in the $63 million Isabel Bader Centre–expressed a similar opinion, saying: “a future in which our precious VHS collection is obsolete is one I do not want to live.”