Queen’s officials announced the implementation of a Minotaur into the upper floors of Mac-Corry Hall at a press release today. Citing budget cuts, the university has stated that they will no longer be able to fund the required services to clean up the corpses of students who got lost just wanting to drop off their POLS papers before the 4pm deadline. Rather, students will be required to move quickly through Mac-Corry Hall while paying close attention to the terrible death closing in from behind them or risk being eaten. Pre-implementation tests found that 20% of students will make it out of the Hall alive, while 10% even will make it through the Labyrinth’s infamous Murder Hallway of swinging pendulum axes. “That percentage is consistent with how many of them would’ve gotten above a C anyway”, said one Queen’s spokeswoman. The university plans to let the Minotaur grow familiar with its environment over the summer while it grows accustomed to the taste of human flesh and rejects any and all morality.
Dan Waiter, a POLS major and leader of the protests denounces the project as cruel and inconsiderate. “I went into POLS so I wouldn’t be worked to death, is this was Eng is like?” Waiter referenced the failures of the Goodes Hall Gorgons and ILC Sphinx as reasons why the Minotaur should be reconsidered. “Queen’s is spending twice as much money on Minotaur kibble as it was on janitors”, said Waiter. However, the school believes that this cost will decrease as students replace the kibble. Queen’s has thought out a 3-month plan to slow students down and gain monetary benefits. This plan includes closing the ARC down and taking away varsity jackets to eliminate any sense of athletics at the school. The Queen’s football team will not be disbanded as Queen’s sees them as “really fucking shitty”. Waiter appealed to us asking “if I want to suck up to my TA to get a higher mark on my essay, shouldn’t I be able to do so without having to use him as bait to secure my escape?” Waiter told Golden Words that he would not stop protesting as he is procrastinating starting a paper due in two days.
Independent studies done by Golden Words’ mythological science department have found that Minotaurs can be slowed down with CoGro cake and QP deep fried pickles. We will continue to eat these thanks to grant money to ensure that this is credible science. However, we urge all Queen’s students to try and tame it because that would be totally cool and this guy named Keith in my section is a bitch and I want to fuck with him.