Queen’s Unveils New Cutting-Edge Facility For Artsy Shit

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Both Queen’s University Principal Daniel Woolf and Dean of Arts and Sciences Dr. Susan Mumm were on hand earlier this week for the grand opening of the Isabel Bader Centre for the Performing Arts. The IBCPA, or simply the Isabel, is the school’s brand new resource catering to students involved in a broad variety of artistic crap.
“We’re excited for the Isabel to become the new home for all the pointless, excruciating dreck these people are producing,” said Woolf, adding that the new building is well off campus and will ideally serve as a lightning rod for “flash mobs or whatever the fuck else they’re trying to do lately”.
“It’s really great to finally address this need,” said Mumm. “I’m ecstatic to be here for the creation of a space dedicated to immersive theatre productions, contemporary foreign dance troupes, and experimental string quartets. All of our creative events used to be wedged into undesirable locations on campus, where they couldn’t reach their full potential.”
“And the other faculties were getting nervous,” she continued.
The Isabel has been installed with the latest in equipment to appeal to students who have decided not to pursue engineering, business, or medicine. The building includes a soundstage, editing suites, and a screening room for film students to recreate and display their inscrutable, sophomoric fantasies in painstakingly minute detail. Drama students are encouraged to use the new black box theatre for their overwrought interpretations of classic texts, and an elaborate, six hundred seat performance hall has been built to entertain actual paying audiences.
The multi-million dollar facility sits at the edge of Lake Ontario, giving the students there ample opportunity to sink deeper into debt by simply tossing their student loans into the water. The advanced technology and stunning architecture were all designed by industry professionals who studied real subjects at university and then obtained high-paying, respected jobs in their chosen fields.
More information, including a schedule of upcoming performances, can be found at theisabel.ca. Next week’s featured event is a multimedia tribute to parental disappointment.

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