Real Life Mario


A young plumber, Mario Russo, is running down Princess St, in search of Katie Peach, his ex-girlfriend. Many cars are driving towards Mario, so he tries to leap onto them to destroy them. The first car he jumps on seems relatively unaffected by his body weight, but does blare their horn at him. The next car takes no damage from him, but the driver rolls down their window and shouts “What the fuck, asshole!” at him.

Fortunately, Mario spots a nearby manhole. He quickly pulls off the manhole cover and descends into the sewer to escape the undamageable cars. The sewer is fucking disgusting, overrun with human waste and rats. Much to Mario’s chagrin, the only money he finds in the sewer are a few pennies. He puts them into his pocket, thinking “Maybe these will be worth something in a hundred years”.

A few minutes later, Mario has emerged from the sewer and made it to Princess Towers, where he believes he will find Ms. Peach. He waits around the entrance, waiting for the doors to open, and creepily follows a resident inside. He takes the elevator to the third floor and arrives at the door to Ms. Peach’s apartment. It is open! “This is my chance to rescue her!” he thinks.

Mario heads inside. Katie is at her computer and doesn’t notice him. Standing between him and his beloved Ms. Peach, is a small painted turtle, in a terrarium, eating a leaf. This turtle is the last obstacle between Mario and true love! He pulls a lighter out of his pocket, runs over to the turtle and tries to light the lighter in its face. At this point, Ms. Peach has heard commotion and turns around, disgusted to see Mario. “What the fuck are you doing to my turtle! Get out of my apartment! I told you I don’t want to see you any more!” Mario ignores her and keeps trying to burn the turtle. She threatens to call the police. He leaves. Game over, Mario.