Realistic New Year’s Resolutions


At about this time of year, resolutions are slowly becoming the fuel to our sadness as we watch them all fail. Miserably. Sorry, too real? Forgot the genre of this newspaper for a second there. Well, to cheer you all up I have prepared a list of realistic resolutions that you couldn’t possibly give up on.

1. Breathing!

If you’re looking for a 100% chance of staying with your resolution and you don’t plan on fucking dying, then this one will surely not let you down!

2. Making a list of resolutions

This one is perfect if you’re dying to actually fulfill ONE of your resolutions. Just remember, if your list only consists of this one resolution, it’s technically not a list and therefore you fucked it up and continue to be the failure you always were in 2016.

3. Accidentally sending nudes over snapchat to your housemate when both of you are home and they’re waiting for you to get out of the bathroom

I don’t really have to explain this one, but it happens to me at least once a year so I assume it’ll just happen again naturally sometime in 2017.

4. Binge watch Cory in the House

Just a good show. When you start you can’t stop, mostly because of its kickass theme song. “I’m officially the candidate for havin some fun,” am I right?

5. Go outside for once

Haha I’m fucking kidding.

6. Walk to the grocery store only to pick up almonds, tupperware and a pack of condoms but notice that a man is following you on your way out. It is Shia Labeouf. Run away from the enemy but notice that he has become half centaur half merman. So.. like… quarter horse, quarter fish….. half man. Notice you are in a dream and awaken yourself. Days go by since the dream but begin to feel like it is real. You feel the mermentaur drawing nearer. Slowly. You feel the steps of his hooves and the flapping of his fins draw oh so nearer. Realise that you work in a zoo and there are horses and dolphins so there was nothing to worry about.

… I’m honestly just so fucking bored right now.

7. Eat better!