“Red, White, and Blue Words” is the regular feature where our resident alt-right staff writer provides an alternate viewpoint to the libcucks running this joint. Snova sdelat’ Ameriku!
If you’re reading this, you’re probably one of those weak excuses for men that almost got cucked by Hillary. How do I know this? Because you’re reading something, truly the most pitiful of hobbies. You should be out there fucking, bro.
Listen, I was like you once. But I came across a community of real men who showed me the instructions I now pass onto you. Follow them, and you’ll have countless sexual partners, as will I after this finally starts working for me, which is any day now I assure you
1) Don’t Cover Your Eyes Whenever You Speak to a Woman
Like most men, I started off incapable of looking a woman in the eye. The first time I did it was last year, and like most men, I did wet myself. If this occurs, don’t panic – it’s natural, and the more you stress yourself out about it, the more suspicious it will seem when you excuse yourself.
It’ll take a couple months, but with time you’ll get to a place when you don’t even think about it. Now I stare all women directly in the eye until they look away, a clear sign that they acknowledge my strength, and have chosen me as their lover.
2) Assert Your Dominance, The Quickest Way How: Jaywalking
Most men spend a lot of their day waiting at stop lights, even when they could have crossed without getting in the way of oncoming traffic. Little do they know, this is just another way feminism is keeping us down. Luckily, top strategists in the men’s rights movement have found a way to strike back – jaywalking. This is the act of asserting your will over the municipal government’s glowing red hand. I know it seems intimidating, but the thrill of overpowering all of those hypothetical cars is like nothing you’ve ever felt – don’t be surprised if you find yourself erect the first time you do it.
3) Stand on Your Tippy Toes Whenever Your Fellow Male Approaches
Up to now we’ve simply covered basic changes of behaviour, but now we get to the difficult part: competing with other men, and coming out the victor.
Ultimately, a man’s worth comes down to his sheer size. So if you see another man, and he doesn’t immediately bow at your presence, run up to him, get on your toes, and stretch your arms out as wide as possible, as though you were trying to scare away a mountain lion. But remember, be friendly and call him terms of endearment like “bro,” or “buddy,” otherwise you’d seem like some kind of weirdo!
4) Express Disgust at the Mere Sight of Flowers
Next step, remove anything and everything even tangentially related to femininity from your life. Do you like that tulip you see over there? Not anymore! Go ahead and stomp on it, because you’re actually stomping away the weakness inside of you.
You’ll pretty quickly find that stomping every flower you see can get pretty time consuming, so on a busy day you may have to settle for pointing and hissing at them like lepers in the bible.
5) Actively Seek Out Diseases, Then Don’t See A Doctor
You’re almost there, but you’re not done demonstrating your strength just yet. There’s still one more habit you have to pick up before you’ve proven yourself to be of prime virility. You may have heard girls joking about how their boyfriends are silly for not taking their illnesses seriously enough, but secretly they love it. That’s why you gotta take it to the next level and intentionally contract sicknesses, just so you can not see a doctor about them. It’s the best way to display your invulnerability.
How do you go about it? Go nuts and get disgusting. Drink from the puddle a street rat bathed it. Clean your toilet with your toothbrush and use it. Fuck in a dumpster and eat some trash like the little garbage goblin you are. The further you take it, the more irresistible you get.
6) Enjoy Your Harem, Dearest Reader!
If you’ve followed these steps, you’ve finally achieved alpha masculinity. It may take a couple months before it really clicks in, I’m still waiting after two years of it, but when men and women alike stop looking down on you, I’m sure it will be worth the wait!
– Amadeus Lanceman, Gentleman* Extraordinaire