Relationship Advice from an Alpha Male


You and your girlfriend have been together for 5 months and are finally starting to think about doing the deed. However, she’s not quite sure if she’s ready to take this next crucial step in your relationship. You want to know if there is some way to cash in on your 5 month investment. Look at you, investing yourself in relationships and shit. I, in fact, used to be like you too. Since you are so firmly set on your choice, I will do my best to guide you through the difficult path you have chosen. Before I begin, however, I must warn you: dedication is lame and careless sex with strangers is always better. Now strap on your Pampers and get ready for some oh-so-sweet front butt.

First off, no woman is going to let you near the goods unless she knows that you’re packing some serious heat below the belt. If you don’t happen to be the most naturally endowed male, this means that you’re going to need some sort of way to prove yourself to the local female population. One way of completing this that has always proved successful for me has been to participate in a horn-ramming contest with some of the other local beta males.

The rules are simple; bash down your opponent’s meat with your own sturdy unit. Don’t worry about bare skin contact with other penises; any infections that you get will be irrelevant once you cash in on all of your victories for some maaaaaad sex. Plus, if you manage to defeat enough beta-males, you may eventually get the chance to go up against the alpha male. If you (by some miracle of God) manage to defeat him, disregard all of the following points in this article. You’ve managed to earn a seat among the champions of this world, and any woman aware of your position within the tribe hierarchy will be looking for you to (in the words of Afroman) hop in that ass like a kangaroo.

Secondly, you’re going to have to work on your mating call. I can tell you that when I started seeing a lot of girls, my mating call was one of the weakest out there. Looking back, it’s honestly embarrassing that I used to think a 15 second wailing noise would attract anything but an ambulance siren. However, after watching a few Wikihow tutorials, I now consider myself to be a beacon that women flock to when I’m performing my signature two-and-a-half hour long “Chanson d’Amour, in B Minor”. Personally, my call consists of 7 movements, each divided into 2-4 sections. The frequency of my mating call is specifically designed to cause resonance within the clitoris and enhance sexual desire. When you’re constructing your own call, keep these points in mind in order to attract as many women as possible:

Listen to the calls of other males in the area, and then make sure yours is unique. You wouldn’t want to be accused of ripping off somebody else’s call and making them look better than they really are.

Try to include lots of crescendos and decrescendos in order to throw in some different dynamics. A mating call with static volume is about as useful as an inflatable dartboard.

If you can, throw in a couple of cheeky roasts about the other local males. One of my personal favourites: “Your mother’s been slammed more than a taxi door”. Treat it similarly to a rap-battle; if you can manage to psyche out your opponent, the damsels will definitely be able to tell and WILL come flocking.

And lastly, just be a nice guy. Girls love nice guys.

Now boys, strap on your head lamps and get ready for some serious ass-spelunking, because with these tips and tricks you’ll be doing tricks with your tips in no time.

Cheers lads,