Report: Alistair Wants You To Wait Before You Sign The Lease


THE STUDENT GHETTO: To the surprise of nobody except you, Alistair Bateman, a 1st year prospective POLS major (and your future housemate), is not ready to sign the lease. After much deliberation, Alistair has decided it may be better to wait before any rash actions are taken. Unprompted, Alistair told interviewers “I’m just not sure that we should sign before doing our due diligence. Yes, all of us like the house, but what if we move in and realize we made a mistake?”

Making himself more comfortable, Alistair took off his Canada Goose and continued. “We like the landlord at least, she seems nice. But you can never know. My friend told me there’s this landlord named *** who sucks. I forget our landlord’s name, but I want to make sure it isn’t *** before we sign anything.”

Alistair continued “I also feel like I should call both of my parents before we sign. I need to go through the whole lease with them and make sure they don’t see anything they don’t like. My dad is a lawyer, so he told me he can, like, sue the landlord if they give me a bad lease.”

At this point it was unclear if this was an interview or a speech, but Alistair nonetheless chose to continue speaking. “I talked to this guy who said he signed his house last year in April, so I don’t think we’re in any rush. I think if we take our time, the right house will show itself to us. I like this house, and I guess I could enjoy myself here, but I also feel like the perfect house is just waiting for us around the corner.”

Alistair went on to say “This house has some really great positives. We get utilities included, a new washing machine, and a dishwasher. We get a driveway and the landlord has somebody who cuts the grass and shovels snow for us. On the other hand, the paint on the walls of the kitchen doesn’t go with the paint on the ceiling of the living room. I worry about the feng shui of the entry hall, and the bedrooms have absolutely no zeitgeist.”

Before any interviewer could get a word in, Alistair continued: “I want to have a house that’s nice and clean, but also large. It needs to be the place you want to go to chill, but also a great spot for a massive kegger. It should be close to campus, but also not too far from the clubs. Rent should be cheap, but the kitchen should have marble counters.” Alistair hesitated, and then continued: “I guess granite is okay too.”

At the time of publishing Italics(Golden Words) can report that the house in question has since been signed by another group of students, who visited the house a mere five minutes after Alistair’s statement that their group should discuss and deliberate before signing.