Woah woah woah! Hold up! What’s that you see? A new, sexy face on the inside of the first page of Golden Words? Well don’t close the paper for fear of a public erection that will last longer than 4 hours, because I’m one of the new editors! That’s right, Leah and I are going to be taking over the vital responsibility of writing dick jokes for you all in the upcoming year. Like I’m 90% sure they mixed up some applications, because there’s no waaaay I should be an editor, but I’ll be damned if I don’t do my best to not pull a Queen’s Tartan with this one. I can’t promise that any remote qualities will remain, but at the very least we’ll put out covers so that you can cover up reading the Journal. I thought that for my first editorial it would make sense to outline some promises–resolutions if you will–for the upcoming year. That way, when I fail to live up to any of them, I’ll have the ability to look back fondly on the amount of things I’ve done. You guys can also keep score by cutting this article out and following GW as the year goes on.
1. Use GW as a money laundering cover
The only way that I can get that sweet sweet cheddar from my underground university raccoon fighting ring is through a front organization. I’m referring specifically to the money we get, not the cheese that we use to rile up the raccoons in opposition of each other.
2. Get that 25 cent increase so we can purchase clean drinking water
As you all know, we almost had to cancel Golden Words forever because we weren’t able to get our 25 cent fee increase. Special shoutout to Sam Codrington for getting us the needed money by selling both his kidneys and being hooked up to a machine for the rest of his life. Now that we can keep the paper afloat, our next goal is to get clean drinking water for our staff. Right now we’re siphoning beer from Clark Hall and although we’ve all had a great time with it, you’ve probably seen a decline in our writing ability.
3. Not fuck my co-editor
I mean do you have any idea how hard this one is! Leah is a super sex god and there’s very little I can do to stop myself from throwing my body onto her the first chance I get. I’m sure you can see the sexual tension between these two editorials.
4. Brush my teeth before going to bed after going out on weekends.
This one is unrelated, but I really just wanna work on this aspect of my oral hygiene.
5. Make Golden Words great again
Look, our paper is in tremendous tremendous decline. Believe me: China is killing us in paper prices, and West Campus students are flooding our borders, bringing alcohol and low GPAs. Look, as a politics student I know that these engineers are all action and no thought. I have plenty of friends in engineering and they tell me the same thing. We’re going to build a wall and make The Journal pay for it! It’s the only way to return Golden Words to its former strength!