We’re always hearing about how great society use to be. Whether it’s coming to us from clickbaiting media or your grandmother who has chosen to live forever, here are some time-tested tips to help you hack your life:
Rent Getting Too Expensive? Try Inducing a Locust Plague!
Force an agricultural and economic collapse that will cripple populations with famine and coerce migration! Soon your lofty hipster scum neighbourhood will be as desolate as a Cormac McCarthy novel. Just think of the end of the world as the beginning of your post-apocalyptic self-discovery.
Need to Lose a Bit of Weight? Try Using a Tapeworm!
Bikini season has come and past but if you still have a couple of pounds society is shaming you to lose how about you try a tapeworm! Like a pet you can carry around. Are those butterflies in your stomach? No, those are deadly parasites in your gut helping you achieve a body that may or may not compensate for your personality.
Slow Wi-Fi? Try Committing the Slaying of the Firstborn!
In order to get some, you need to give some (ladies) and what a quick and easy sacrifice to make for the universal right to torrent True Detective. Who can say how the internet works in the first place? A little bit of blood shed for Lord Cerf and Lord Kahn in order to hit that sweet spot of constant Twitter refreshing is too good a deal to pass up.
Political Landscape Too Confusing? Deny Yourself the Right to Vote!
I mean most of us don’t fit the original voter requirement of a 21 year old Protestant male with significant property ownership anyway, and I say let’s keep it that way! If it wasn’t broken pre-Confederation, why fix it? Reject your right to vote! Ladies you’re in luck if the oversaturated political scene is too much, pull the period card! Ah I’m so sorry I can’t vote today, I’m cramping! I’m losing too much blood! The time you’ll save educating yourself about various parties and candidates is well worth the cost of suffrage.
Feeling Emotionally Ill-Equipped to Handle Your Life Day? I Mean… Have You Tried Repressing It?
Listen kid, sometimes life can be bleak. Really push down all those “emotions” and “warning signs” deep within until it hardens into something that only years and thousands of dollars of therapy can solve. While exercise, hobbies, and communicating with loved ones can help to unburden yourself from the darkness of what is an existentially unforgiving universe, sometimes we need to read a trite listicle that’s trying a little too hard.
Eggs Hard to Peel? Use Baking Soda!
Add one teaspoon of baking soda to water so you can peel your hard boiled eggs with ease!
That last one was from Buzzfeed and honestly they have some pretty great tips, maybe you should stop reading a newspaper like a goddamn pilgrim and join the 21st century you nostalgic fuck.