Returning Alumni Unaware of Rioting Ban at Queen’s


As homecoming fast approaches for this upcoming weekend, Golden Words was shocked to discover the disturbing truth that most alumni coming home are unaware of the university’s new ban on rioting.
“You might as well call it a ban on fun” said Arthur Ramirez, Sci 89. “Back in the day, nothing brought together current and past students like a drunken round of molotov cocktails”. While the university’s homecoming celebrations in the past had featured many debaucherous acts such as car flipping and coma-inducing assault, this year will be a tamer affair with what Queen’s is referring to as “law and order” and “minimal casualties”. Many alum, however, didn’t get the message.
“Well now I’m gonna have to completely unpack the car and take out all the baseball bats and grain alcohol I had packed” added Joanne Carney, Arts ‘84. “we had a whole family trip planned around it. I just want the kids to be pepper sprayed once before they move out”. Kathleen Wynne, Arts ‘75 and current Premier of Ontario, chimed in “Queen’s has a proud tradition of setting things on fire that this current administration seems determined to get rid of. It’s a damn shame”.
This news is troubling for Campus Security and the Kingston Police Department. Officer Kevin MacIntosh issued a statement urging current students to “please keep alumni in line. I know they will be difficult and sometimes violent, but we must all do our part to ensure these crazy Gen-Xers and Baby Boomers don’t live up to their formidable reputation”.
There is also an air of concern amongst the student body. “These old people, they just have no sense of responsibility for their actions” said Marcus Mueller, Sci 17. “They’re just reckless hellraisers.” Andy Chow, Arts 18 added “I really don’t feel safe entrusting these people with running the government and the economy. They just sit around with their cushy full-time jobs and pensions and contribute nothing to society, just waiting for the weekend to come around so they can break shit”.
Reports confirm that some alumni have already arrived in town. An eyewitness account says that they saw “about a dozen” Sci ‘84’s drunkenly doing the Oil Thigh at Princess and University Tuesday, using the kicking motion of the dance to simultaneously kick a police cruiser.
While alumni were technically informed about the ban, many say it was not clearly communicated. Rather, it was a single sentence wedged into another email from the school asking for money.