Sam and Solo Present: The Enigma of the Hot Dog- Sandwich or Nah?


The story of the Hot Dog is as old as time. You know it, I know it, your frickin’ grandma knows it. Let’s get to the real meat of this piece: Sandwich or not? A timeless debated will be debated once again inside the covers of Queen’s finest print media. Buckle up and prepare to be educated by your fellow peers and Queen’s Hot Dog Enthusiasts- Solo and Sam!

Solo: Hot dogs are a sandwich.

Sam: Hot dogs are not a sandwich.

Solo: Meat and condiments encased in bread? Sounds like a sandwich to me.

Sam: What the fuck did you just fucking say about hot dogs, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

Listen up- hot dogs are definitely not a sandwich. A hot dog is a precious little slice of heaven snuggled on a bed of beautiful buns. A unique form of art, the hot dog shouldn’t be classified with the lesser class of sandwich.

Solo: Hmm ok well what kind of meat is inside of these ‘hot dogs’ you speak of? Oh? Beef and pork? Seems to me like those are SANDWICH meats. And yeah stuffing various Delhi meats into a cow intestine is totally an art form.

Sam: Have you ever watched a butcher fill his sausages? They take their hands a gently wet the casing, delicately enough to provide lubrication, then slide it over the end of the meat pump. The hot dog meat flows smoothly into the casing as it is guided by the expert craftsmen hands of the butcher. The meat is is a smooth blend, the tall, dark, and mysterious man of the protein world. The surprise of what is truly hidden inside the taupe tube is the true beauty of the hot dog. How can you lower the artisan value of the hot dog by slapping a layman’s “sandwich” label to it?

Solo: That’s actually pretty hot. But a sandwich is a sandwich! Pee Nut Butter and Jelly is probably the most sensual and sexiest of the sandwich land but it’s still a sandwich! I don’t care if a group of supermodels are on a beach wearing tankinis and making hot dogs, they’re still A SANDWICH.

Sam: Ok but the homies who make these little masterpieces are usually sweaty old Italian dudes or like some guy in his basement in a white tank top in Brooklyn. That’s what the media shows, some really out of shape, fat dudes with a lot of facial hair and body odor working their little hearts out. It is body positivity. It is primal. Human sensuality at its most raw. A visceral experience, you, your mouth, a sweet hog diggity dog, and whatever fell off that basement guy’s smelly bod when he was grinding that meat that might’ve been a person or maybe just a regular horse. What did I tell you about surprises?

Solo: Hey man I’m always one for body positivity, I mean we’re all works of art looking for our buyer and I really hate to do this but I have to… Ahem, “A hot dog (also spelled hotdog) is a cooked sausage, traditionally grilled or steamed and served in a sliced bun as a sandwich” [1]. What was that last word that Wikipedia used? BOOM SANDWICH. GAME SET BATCH.

Sam: Sorry, but are you using Wikipedia as your primary reference? You are so dumb, you are really dumb, for real. Anyone can edit Wikipedia. It’s like, the whole principle of Wikipedia??? I bet you friggen went into the Wikipedia article, and wrote that line yourself. I bet that reference is fake, just like a sandwich is just a faker that wishes it was a hot dog. WikiLeaks is coming after you and your lyin’, cheatin’, sandwich lovin’ self, mark my words. Check yourself before you wreck yourself, son.

Solo: OK. I’m sorry! The truth is I KNOW A HOT DOG IS A UNIQUE SPECIMEN. I grew up in a household where meat was not allowed to lie with bread unless it was a sandwich. Do you know what it’s like eating a hamburger and calling it a sandwich? A sloppy joe? A HOT DOG? It’s demoralizing! Maybe I just wanted to be cool in front of you and play along in this game. But you’ve opened up my eyes to the truth and I don’t care who knows it! A HOTDOG IS NOT A SANDWICH! A HOTDOG IS NOT A SANDWICH!!! Oh, i’m crying! This is what crying feels like!!

Hey Sam would you, I don’t know, wanna grab a hotdog?

Sam: Hush now child, fret not. I will show you the way. Come now, we shall go and purchase the finest dog that Kingston has to offer. We shall let our wieners touch tips, and we shall rejoice in the beauty of a hot dog, that is not a fucking sandwich.

[1] Wikepedia et. Al