Sam Editorial: A Weigh In on the Biggest Issue We Face Today

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As an editor at Canada’s most prestigious other national newspapers, I feel obligated to weigh in on the important issues of the day. And dear readers, we know of the big issue out there, I don’t even think it needs to be said . We have on our hands big problems that demand immediate action. And I must say it is very frustrating to me to watch men and women in positions of power and influence continue to dither and lay down meaningless rhetoric when the hour is so dire. When there’s such a huge problem facing us, our society, nay our entire world, this is time for our leaders to prove that actions speak louder than words, get their heads out of their asses and grasp what seems to me an obvious solution, before it’s too late. But readers they have lost their turn and I now have my hand forced and now the world must be humbly put in it’s place by a young man with the wisdom and foresight to see beyond his mere twenty years and a strength to punch well above his toned and defined musculature.
 Now before I weigh in on the biggest challenge facing our time ever since our ancestors crawled out of the primordial seas onto dry land for the first time, I have to preface my blisteringly hot opinion with a sober reflection of our editorial policy. GW Editors are committed to nothing. We have no laws, hold no lands, answer to no king (besides the almighty Stew Jensen, our Patron God of Hiring and Firing). We are renegades. So I’ve decided to use my uninhibited editorial power to lay down a decisive voice that will end the most divisive issue facing our people today. So now prepare yourself dear reader for I speak with the weight of a thousand voices.
From my bully pulpit I will vocalize the underthread of discussion that has been underpinning the entire “issue”. And while I understand why there are stupid people in the world blowing air at whatever makes them angry on any given day, there are a lot of smart people around the world who are also blowing air right back and all these people blowing air are just feeding the fire. And do you know what having listened to the keenly beautiful sound of my own opinion for the past twenty minutes or so I have made up my mind. The route to prosperity is so obvious it’s standing right in front of us. Reader, stop grinding your gears on the meat of the problem and just think about the issue: it has a solution. It’s right there in front of your eyes. You see it don’t you, standing there so stark and obvious, like a naked underwear model running through a field of snow. Everyone sees it now. We’ve solved the problem, because the power was in us all along.
Now before you gather the enlightened and mob in the streets to tar and feather the poor idiots who failed to get their heads out of their asses long enough to shake the stink out of their  mouths I invite you to pause and ponder the shockwave of a revelation I just helped you lead to and imagine if we could do this tothe whole world. Because we can beautiful readers, we can solve not only the biggest problem facing us today, but every quandry, dilemma and  issue ever to face us. We’re this close to a utopia, friends, let’s keep walking towards it.
But before I shut down this weirdly optimistic exercise in problem solving, I, Sam Codrington, Editor for Golden Words invite you to put paradise on hold for another minute and indulge in the tome of sin and debauchery that is this issue of Golden Words, Happy Reading!

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