Sam Editorial: I’m the Fun Editor

0
5

Hey there, I’m Sam, the fun editor. So today instead of being all uptight like the square above me, I  prefer to get all loosey goosey with “editorial policy” and just let shit fly. When I show up to “work”, I just jauntily waltz around the room cracking wise and starting fistfights with an errant graphics staff. I keep things fun, fresh and flirty in a place that so often devolves into dull conversation about politics and the weather. You read our paper, we’re pretty boring people. So that’s why it’s such a crucial facet of our paper that I have to be the funny one around here who livens the place up. But I’m also a man of discipline too. That’s why the first people who walk in to press nite sunday are treated to the last poses of my naked hot yoga class that I do every morning in the Clark Lounge. I’m sure some people in positions of authority regret giving me the keys.
Then I sit down and immediately start passing around drinks as people filter in, to press nite. They usually turn me down because they’re lame: the excuse I usually get is that drinking at two o’clock on a Sunday is “irresponsible” So I usually spend the next three hours at the bar rail we keep at the office being both the bartender and the drunk. People usually chuckle uncomfortably at that. Usually by three o’clock someone asks me to leave, because I’m too damn fun for them to reasonably cope with. Then I stumble around and walk over to the ILC and shamelessly flirt with Andrew Crawford. That rascally Vice President of Operations is going to succumb to my advances eventually I just know it. He usually has to leave the EngSoc office “for a meeting and a shower” within five minutes of me coming in, but he’s a busy guy I understand that. I usually detour through Dupuis to pee in any vials I see with yellow chemicals in it . I’m sure someone in a position of authority regrets giving me the keys to the Dupuis labs as well.
Then I waltz back to the paper. They’re usually laughing having a good time , which is the perfect time for me to make my belated return! People often shake their heads and murmur angrily as I walk in, because they don’t like the way I’m stealing their thunder. Syd, who’s boring and lame, usually makes a quip about having to do “all the work” and usually makes an empty threat about taking all my wages. Little does she know, I don’t need to be paid: I can be a belligerent ass for free, because I love my work! Take that Syd!
Then I stagger around and slap my fingers on the keyboard until eventually an article gets typed up. It’s usually goddamn fantastic because I’m the funniest guy I know. I then excuse myself at 4:30 to puke and rally and sober up and woahhhhhhh, moment of clairty, ok I’m Sam Codrington, Reasonably Fun Editor for Golden Words, and I’m going to take a cold shower and sober up from these drunken ramblings before they call their ex and leave alternatingly sad and angry voicemails in the wee hours of the morning. We’ve got a great paper for you today so don’t waste your time here any more! Read on!

Comments