Sam Editorial: Our Enemies Listed


We here at Golden Words have had a lotta haters trying to tear us down. But we’ve never made public our formal list of people we despise as an institution. But now the secret is out and I’m letting the world know who we hate (in no particular order)
Particular Order: There is no greater threat to the world as we know it then when a list is made in a particular order.
Pabst Blue Ribbon: The new lowest standard in beer brewing worldwide, it’s claim to being the most on its own terms only by the Journal. The geniuses at Pabst have managed to create a beer that can be described as both watery and strongly tasting of piss. I don’t have to tell you guys twice to check
The AMS: The Alma Mater Society only exists to provide student governance and provide services for 16,000 students. It’s made up of six different commisions and manages over 16 student-run services, providing thousands of oppurtunities to students to improve their welfare and make school a home. What’s not to hate.
The Journal: Our oldest enemies. The people who succeed (and by the same token, fail) at desperately trying to make campus tedium into headlines. We will personally give you props if you provide us photographic evidence that you urinated on the Journal House. It’s like the Golden Goodes bar, but somehow even stupider and with an even less tangible reward.
People Who Have Held Jobs at Grocery Stores: People who have previously worked at grocery stores are among the most easily despisable people ranking just slightly above strangers on acid who are being too friendly at Wayhome and people who insist on calling it a toque when it’s just a goddamn hat.
Justin Trudeau’s Hair: It’s immaculate. We’re jealous. 
People who hate Scientologists: There are two kinds of people in this world: Scientologists and People who Hate Scientologists. Firstly, we hate the second for hating the first,  Secondly we hate the first for being hated by the second.
Moral Relativism: Also known as moral principles without balls, moral relativism is like that kid in kindergarten who got Valentine’s cards for the entire class, including Tommy, even though Tommy is a dweeb and everyone knows it and there’s a reason he gets picked last for dodgeball Make a goddamned decision Moral Relativism, stop your namby pamby catering to the merits of all ideas and insisting that there is no valid right or wrong.
The Colour Yellow: It’s like Green if Green forgot to nut up and decided to act like a total piece of shit.
Countries that start with S: Samoa, South Africa, Spain, Saint Lucia and every other nation like you… you know what you did. That is except the Solomon Islands. Solomon Islands, we’re cool.
People whose second language is Ukranian –  I can hear you saying, “Sam, that’s such a weirdly specific subset of people, how can you possibly hate them all?” It’s simple. Xenophobia.
People named Quentin who prefer to be called Quint: Really, who shaves syallables off of a name as milquetoast as Quentin. Stop trying to pretend your parents were unimpressed with you before you were even born and just go by the godawful  Quentin.  
Hawaiian Pizza– bold stance right, well fu—
Woah woah woah, Sam Codrington here, Editor for Golden Words here, I’m going to cut off this list like Hercules slicing the head off a hydra, only I’m not a Greek hero, and I don’t expect this article to grow another head. We’ve got a fantastic issue for you this week, so don’t stop here any longer, because the world is bright and beautiful.