Sam Editorial: Rant on Evil Itself

0
6

Hey guys and gals, I’m here to spread the word of truth to those of you who can avoid the painful mistakes that I’ve made. Way back in 2014 when I was young and naive, my housemates and I made that decision. God, it’s so easy to see in retrospect, how could we have been so blind. Sorry I’m getting choked up. What happened was in early August of 2014 we signed an agreement with Bell to provide us internet. 
I know, it’s patently ridiculous now but at the time we thought we were being so smart, “they have better prices than Cogeco” we said. Needless to say we got exactly what we paid for. Shitty unreliable internet. The kind that keeps you up late at night. Literally, because Netflix has been buffering your way through the last goddamn episode of Suits season three for thirty hours and I for one am just dying to know whether Mike finally bows out of Pearson Spectre. It’s what he ought to do for god’s sake he’s jeopardizing his entire professional life by being present at that goddamned firm!
But no, I was instead treated to an agonizing crawl through tantilizing seconds of the big reveal. And then, because Bell corporation is the very face of evil itself, my internet crashed, never to recover, taunting me with it’s emotionless withdrawal. And why did I suffer through this tragedy, this indignity? It was a lesson. Taught to me by God himself. The lesson was rage. Rage at Bell. So that’s exactly what I’m going to do as a grand karmic gesture for the company behind the root of my anguish for a week.
Oh I can hear some of you say, “but it’s just the internet”, some say “There are people with worse problems out there” and still others sob “it wasn’t disconnected so much as intermittent at best”, but that’s because I have a little problem  colloquially known as  split personality disorder, but I’m not going to let all of you talking at once distract me. 
And that’s the worst part about not having Internet: it’s the lack of distraction. Once I realised emotional closure on Suits was out of my grasp, my first thought was to find a book to read, but my second thought was that I better Google something I’d like. My next idea was a board game, then I laughed because the last time I’d played a board game was an online game of Risk. Eventually, after great chastisement, I figured I could get some homework done. I’m sure you’ve sensed the theme here, my work is exclusively online.
And again I hear the chorus “you should just walk to campus” “there’s free wifi at the ARC”, and “You’re talking to yourself you nutbag” and I stand by my stance that once the pjs are on I ain’t leaving the goddamn house — Alright guys, Sam Codrington, Editor for Golden Words here, I have to be honest with you. This editorial has been a load of excrement. A pile of grade A Bellshit if you will. It’s been a long semester and I sincerely doubt anyone reads these. But if you are, dear reader (the singular is intentional), I invite you to enjoy a last recluse in our last ish before exams kill us all. Have a great break, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays!!!

 

Comments