Sam Editorial: Sarah You Have Beautiful Eyes

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Met a girl late last night at Ale, and I had a fantastic time talking to her before they had last call. Before we separated we made plans to meet the next day and she made me promise to write a song for her. I said yes to both things because I was very drunk.
When I met her with her friends, Joe and Hattie, the next day I was less than impressed by what I saw, heard, and just generally experienced. But, if nothing else, I am a man of my word so I resolved to keep my promise and hopefully come up with something she would appreciate.
Please sing along with this in a waltzy 3/4 time.

Oh Sarah, you have beautiful eyes,
So green and so pretty they tell me no lies

I’ve never met a girl with a bald patch before
it threw me right off and I don’t want to see more
Your buck teeth are yellow
You’re stupid and shallow,
but Sarah, you have beautiful eyes

Oh Sarah you have beautiful eyes
So empty and vacant they tell me no lies!
You smell like a urinal ,
and wrote for the Journal,
still Sarah, you have beautiful eyes 

I’m pretty sure your friends are all criminals
I know saying that is taboooooo!
Hattie said she shot a man to death,
she paid for coffee in cigarettes
Joe’s even got a “K. Penn” tattoo!
and all thing’s considered,
you smoked and they littered,
Sarah you have beautiful eyes

Oh Sarah you have beautiful eyes,
So luscious and doting, they’re all I want to spy
Because you’re not witty or clever
you don’t dress for the weather,
I know that’s a small thing
but it doesn’t get better,
You’re rude and obnoxious
your breath smells quite toxic, 
BUT SARAH, YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL EYES!

    … well hey there, I’m Sam Codrington, Editor for Golden Word’s 50th Year of Mediocrity. I’d like to take a break from what initially could have been a chart-topping pop love anthem and has transformed into some kind of aggressive put down dirge that really isn’t sit well with suburban America. That’s not winning any Grammy’s anytime soon because real music doesn’t sell. So let’s leave the heartfelt attack ads to Stephen Harper and go back to that good old wholesome fun loving humour that we know all the kids love to enjoy. 
    If you’re new to us I’d invite you to tour the whole paper, hang out by the Colour Content, get some coffee from our web page, www.goldenwords.ca, or just be cool, hang out, smoke a doobie, snort a line of cocaine, take your pants off, profess your unrequited love, try heroin, (in that order) or just have a beer, defecate on the floor, experiment with your sexuality, do whatever you wanna do man, it’s a party. A golden Party. 
 However very seriously if I die tonight from a prison shanking, blame one Sarah Reginald, inmate number 1333252.

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