Sam Editorial: Sucker Punch


A sucker punch is described on urban dictionary as “when a motherfucker punches you out of nowhere haha lol I’m famous add me up on MSN @carlsagandroolz”. It’s also often described as the worst goddamn way to waste three hours of your life whilst blisteringly intoxicated at  three in the morning of November 1st. Random example. Also, random unrelated thought: Zach Snyder, you can go to hell, you bloated, plotless ass. Stop George Lucasing your entire goddamn career with an effects budget apparently funded by a goddamn majority share in Google. because you goddamn peaked and you’re just floating on the laurels of 300 and  Alan Moore.
And sometimes, sometimes a sucker punch is when life hits you when you’re least expecting it. Sometimes you’ll be getting a midterm handed back. Sometimes it’ll be when your now-ex says “we should talk”. Sometime’s you’ll be behind a real asshole in line at Alehouse. Other times you’ll be at a punch bowl when someone seizes the opportunity for willful assholery, clenches his meaty knuckles around it and delivers the whole package to your left eye, for no godadmn reason but ironic juxtaposition. (cuz it’s a punch bowl, get it). And man, when that kind of sucker punch hits you, it sucks. And you know there’s an old adage that’s tossed around in these kinds of circumstances that I like to remember. It’s a short proverb: “Turn the other cheek”. Jesus said it, a guy noted for taking a step above sucker punch and graduating to being [millenia-old spoilers] sucker crucified. But you know something about the good ol’ Son of God, this Jesus guy, people say a lot of things about him, but no one has ever described him as a good boxer. So I’m hear to give you some practical responses to an unexpected punch to the ol’ cerebellum.
Follow up with a blistering jab-hook-jab-fake-uppercut combo 
you’ve practiced it in front of a mirror for years, now’s the time to put it to use.

Headlock your assailant and noogie him until his scalp catches fire 
Cook a rare steak with said fire and season it with his blood cuz ur #savage.

Keep subtle tabs on his entire life, and just when he’s at his lowest point in his loveless marriage, have an affair with his spouse.
evenge is a dish best served cold.

Go to hospital, get checked for concussion
This is just common sense, you got punched in the head.

Drink a beer
Cuz this is just an ordinary day in the life for you, you BAMF.

Dress up like Rocky Balboa have the most authentic costume ever by getting a close friend to bash your face and upper torso.
Proceed to ramble around a costume yelling Adrian and weirding everyone out.

Exploit someone’s Florence Nightingale Complex 
get them to apply pressure to the wound on your head and then mend the hole in your heart.

Train your eldest child in the sport of karate and then knock out your nemesis’s child with a completely illegal high kick to the face, winning the local tournament you had enrolled him in
onus points if you successfully replicate the franchise using the child of a famed african-american actor named Bill Smythe —- Alright there, I’m Sam Codrington, Editor for Golden Words and I’m going to polish off this increasingly irreverent list in a historically accurate yet completely awful finale, kind of like a blackface costume of a shoeshiner. The odds that blackface shoeshiner was a trendy costume uncomfortably near to the present are up to you to calculate, dear reader. OK, you’ve heard my shpiel. Get out of here. Shoo.