Seeing as my mom won’t tolerate this anymore I will relay my latest dream to you my captive audience.
I was lost in a desert about to embark on a fantastic journey that I knew would be terrifiying. I was making the first rite of passage to becoming an adult, namely neglecting to vote. Then I projectile vomited pure orange juice up out into the stars. The orange juice froze on the way to the stratosphere, then as it was weighed down by the accumulation of ice it fell down like a meteor killing me. In death, I woke up, into another dream and in that dream I was lost in a desert about to embark on a fantastic journey that I knew would be terrifying. I was about to get financial advice from a registered accountant at CIBC. Then I pierce my own spleen with a dagger of sharpened uranium after getting into an argument with a draconian Tim Horton’s employee over the colour and pattern of the Prime Minister’s favourite necktie. Then in death, I woke up into another dream and —- Woah woah woah, Sam Codrington here, Editor for Golden Words, I’m going to break this Russian nesting doll of fractured dreams like a vengeful Ukranian nationalist at a Moscow post-modern art convention and get back to a real article that you actually enjoy reading rather than an exercise in obligatory tedium that is a normal editorial.
AMS REPORT: AMS TO FUND “SAFE DEBATES”
“A fun place where you can debate controversial topics with people who agree with you”
Cam Loops (SLC ‘21) of the AMS recently announced that a brand new program to be launched on campus. “Safe Debates” will be a new service located in the JDUC as a new way for students to experience how polite discourse is done in the real world. The student-run operation will have trained staff on hand during normal working hours whose job is to create a semblance of an argument while agreeing with you on all important points and every few minutes remarking on just how smart, reasonable and good looking you are.
“We here at the AMS are so happy we can create this new program that allows students to get valuable real-world experience in how political discourse works while taking out any element of danger or risk to students self-perceived psychological health. Because, after all, the best way to treat any aversion to an idea or policy that you disagree with is to pretend it doesn’t exist or better yet to claim proponents of it are all stupid and foolish.” Mr. Loops said of the program. “If you’d like, we’ll even jerk you off literally instead of just doing it with our words. And if we really like you, we get to go to third base for free!”
The idea had it’s inception in a argument Mr. Loops was having with an anonymous person on the internet about whether or not levying a national tax to cover the expenses of Justin Trudeau’s hair gel was a good idea or not. “Halfway through the discussion I closed the browser in disgust about his rejection of a 1% tax increase for the Justin Geldeau Fund. Then I went to another site and had a much more agreeable discussion on a neutral forum at www.justingeldeautax.net and thought, “Hey, what if I could do this in real life!”
The two later met romantically and are now dating.
Staffers will be limited to only passing disagreements with only the most peripheral ideas, ensuring you leave the room smug and confident that you are correct. They will also offer to get your number right before you leave the room.
Critics of the program, besides calling into question it’s effectiveness to improve public debate, have also wondered how the AMS has alotted $69 million to the program in this years budget. In response Mr. Loops quietly chuckled.
At press time, the Safe Debates program had been cancelled as it facilitated some extremely unsafe orgies in the JDUC and infected thirty eight people with herpes.