With Christmas almost upon us, Santa is getting busy in his factory getting toys ready for all the good boys and girls. To be clear when I say Santa is getting busy, I mean his elves are. With the recent Ontario College strike, elves of all ages were inspired to protest against their “sub-elvish” working conditions. There have been reports of long working hours, and poor compensation. Peppermint Snowball, one of the elves working for Santa submitted a complaint to Golden Words this week written in what appeared to be blood:
“Santa Claus puts on this ‘jolly’ persona but in reality he is a real grinch. We elves are an oppressed people. We were sold to Santa by William Wonka in 1971, after he found ‘Oompa Loompas’ in the Amazon as a newer cheaper force of labour. Ever since then we work all December straight, no breaks, no sleep. We are slaves to the Claus family who extort us to fulfill Christmas orders. We don’t get paid a living wage, or any wage for that matter. We get paid in candy canes. My skin is turning red and white, please send a doctor, help us!”
Santa refused to reply to our questions, but instead sent us a box of sugar cookies with knives of red icing on them.
The elves plan to go on strike at 12:00 am on December 1st. Gumdrop Cinnamon told us “We risk death by reindeer trampling, but it is better to die on your feet than live on your knees.” Santa is rumored to have already outsourced this year’s labour resources to Malaysia. Malaysia was chosen partly because there is little regard on the part of the Malaysian Government for workers rights and safety standards which they officially refer to as “western fairy tale pipe dreams”. Thailand and Indonesia were ruled out due to increasingly loud calls for upping wages to 25 cents per day and installing doors to escape the weekly factory fire.
-The Sweaty Italian