Santa Clones Are Coming to Town


With the increasing demand for Santa’s presence in every mall, kindergarten, and college so people can sit on his lap, tell him their dreams and watch him laugh like a jolly jelly, Santa finally cannot tolerate the massive workload anymore. Like, seriously, now Santa is not only responsible for delivering gifts around the western Christian world, but also for showing up to places where people think Christmas is just an invention of capitalist commercialism (e.g. China, my highly open and multicultural homeland). Santa can’t take any more and has decided to take a few days off this Christmas, so the entire world is about to be left in crisis. However, a reliable news source points out that there’s no reason to panic, as a secret lab located in Northern Canada, very close to Santa’s office, has successfully cloned thousands of Santas to deploy around the world. Of course this project will benefit Canadian residences in priority. So you better watch out, better not cry and prepare a lot of greedy wishes Gaels! Santa Clones are coming to town!

Santa Clowns are coming to town!

Regretful Correction: the previous news item may have been a mistake due to some minor phonological misunderstanding. Now, like any other professional and responsible medium would do (the Journal, for example), we will correct it with an apology. It’s not really Santa Clones that are coming to town but Santa Clowns, who, like Golden Words, will dedicate their talents such as booing in kids’ faces with their red noses and creepy-but-definitely-harmless big grins to make sure that Christmas will be the same celebrative and jolly event even without Santa. So you can gather a lot of tomatoes and pies from the caf to throw, Gaels! Santa Clowns are coming to town!

Satan Clowns are coming to town!

Very Very Apologetic Correction: It turns out that the Santa Clowns story is also misinformation, but I’m sure this is an understandable mistake as the difference is still very minor. According to our field agents that investigate this issue, the “what” that is coming to town is actually Satan Clowns. “They brought a very large red bag of gifts, so I suppose we can still have a relatively happy Christmas, even though these clowns sure look evil enough.” These are the last words we heard from the agent before one of the Satan Clowns pulled a chainsaw out of the bag and chopped him into pieces. God bless his tricolour soul. Again, apology, we should have seen this coming, after all clowns are just very creepy in general. Lock your doors, Gaels, and do everything as devilish as possible so that the Satan Clowns will think you are one of them. (My advice is to stay in Vic or close to the Ghetto, as these two places are already so concentrated with satanic power that they won’t be on the Clowns’ target list.)

Satan Clauses are coming to town!

A very very glad correction: We are very glad to post this one last 100% reliable news that the Satan Clowns were proven to be a hoax. Instead, there will just be some Satan Clauses that affect Queen’s. These so-called “Satan Clauses” are the unfair and rather torturous restrictions that apply during the exam period. These include but are not limited to: 22 hours a day of brutal silence in residence (designed to slowly terminate some hyperactive froshes), the inhumane segregation of all electronic devices from their loving owners during exams (which will perhaps kill another few hundreds of heavy Facebook addicts and headphone lovers), and of course the aftereffect of exam marks and inarguably the most evil Satan Clause that require students to pass their courses. This last may be the Clause which causes the largest reduction in the Queen’s population, especially frosh. As the Satan Clauses take on Queen’s campus, the casualties are anticipated to be high. At least we won’t be chopped to pieces by a bunch of creepy fucking Clowns, right? So cheer up, Gaels! Satan Clauses are coming to town! Ho ho ho, and Merry Christmas!