Scientists determine why humans are so emotionally attached to Onions

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Advancements in culinary technology has finally answered a question that has plagued chefs and laymen alike. After a ten year study, researchers at the Culinary Institute of Canada have determined why humans have an innate sentimental attachment to onions. “All humans will cry when they cut up an onion. We share a kinship that is unlike any other vegetable,” stated head researcher, Joseph Williams.
Onions are a lot like normal plants, however they are able to harvest sad feelings from people out of the air,” stated Williams. “Each sad feeling becomes a layer of the onion. The more sad feelings, the more layers, until there are no more sad feels in the air. They become jaded. That is why the outer layer of the onion is hard and paper-like – it is an every day sad feel and while great for a sprout, it is not nutritious enough for a more mature onion.”
When an onion is cut, all the sad feelings are released and go into your eyes. Essentially, onions have layers, like us. We have a kinship with one another so we get emotional when we have to slice them up.
Onions are also reknown in literature and history as the bringers of peace and joy, which is why they are shaped like your grandmother’s body. Also symbolically tears are shaped like onions
It should also be noted that the tops of old Russian buildings are modeled after onions. This is because Russians use a lot of onions in cooking, as the Russians are the saddest people on Earth. It is worth noting this discovery ultimately means nothing to the scientific community.

 
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