SCUZZFEED PRESENTS A Message from the Future: 10 Things You Will Hate You For


1. Losing your ability to refer to cities by their actual names
Wut’s a Toronto? Give it another few years and you’ll find yourself speaking in binary code because Drake said it was 01100100 01101111 01110000 01100101.
2. Ditching your nerdy bfflz to join a squad that will tragically deteriorate after someone commits squadcest
You’ve got a good thing going, it’s true. Booze bros n broads! Hell, you’ve almost completely forgotten about your cosplay days. But a few of you are inevitably going to go soft and it’s going to permanently throw the chick-dick squad ratio off balance. There will be… feelings. Get out now before the carnage. 
3. Getting “that Asian kid with the camera” to take your picture at Ale every weekend
Congratulations! You’ve willfully immortalized yourself as a sloppy, sweaty, plaid-wearing piece of shit. Everyone looks like a crusty butthole in Ale photos. Everyone. Even you, Chad. Even you.
4. Developing an incurable, life-long compulsion to take photos of everything you put into your mouth
It takes so long to get that perfect snap that your food is literally starting to grow mold before you’re ready for the first bite. You can’t even enjoy a damn meal anymore.
If you think I’m fat shaming you right now then why yes, I suppose I am!
5. Spending all of your hard-earned excess OSAP on cover, poutine, and condoms you’ll never use
The world has gone to shit and it’s all your fault. Even just ONE Wow-Size poutine a week could have fed a village of starving African children for two months. Sarah McLachlan is pissed, man.
6. Being born into/not being born into white cisgender privilege
White privilege is so boring and easy, you have no excuse to be vocally offended by anything. On the other hand, being systematically oppressed is kinda lame now, too. Nobody wins! Fuck it, I wanna be a cat. 
7. Fooling yourself into actually kind of believing you like EDM
Spoiler: You don’t. It’s physiologically impossible. I’d like to get in touch with the people who write the lines before the bass drops, though. You could really have some fun with those.
Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss SHIT ON MY CHEST! *dat drop doe*
8. Netflix n’ chillin’ instead of Brazzers n’ diddlin’
Even if those post-bar Netflix n’ chill sessions really did lead somewhere other than someone pissing in your bed, was the uncoordinated mediocre sex really worth it?
9. Not Votegasming in the 2015 Federal Election
Your decision to not votegasm was a catalyst to a series of events that, over the course of several years, led to Canada becoming a totalitarian dickpictatorship. It is in YOUR hands and your hands alone to reverse the past and put an end to this treachery. 
10. Voluntarily wasting your time reading shitty Scuzzfeed listicles
Really, WHY ARE YOU HERE? Go read a book! Masturbate! Scratch graffiti into the bathroom stall while you take a dump! Enjoy life before you’re 40, balding, and softly weeping in your Volvo!