Seasonal Affective Disorder on the Decline, Vampirism on the Rise


As spring quickly approaches, new numbers from Queen’s Student Wellness Services found through anonymous student polling give us new insights on campus health. This year SWS announced a record low number of cases of Seasonal Affective Disorder as well as a record high percentage of vampires on campus.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), also known as the winter blues or being a depressed piece of crap is considered a mood disorder among the general population in which extended periods of darkness (distinct for the winter season) leads to low motivation, mild depression and being a total buzzkill at parties. On the other end of the spectrum, vampirism is a autoimmune disease contracted through open wounds with symptoms that include allergic reactions to sunlight, immortality and the desire to consume human blood.

Officially, Student Wellness Services recorded Seasonal Affective Disorder to be at 2.8%, a 3 point drop from last years 6.2% while vampirism has gone from 0.03% to a whopping 17.2% over the course of second semester. Surveyors were unsure as to why the questions “Are you a vampire?” was attached to the standard health and risk assessment survey, but are happy that it lead to such startling numbers this past year. The follow up question “Like, actually? You’re a vampire?” was also helpful in ensuring the consistency of the data.

Student Wellness Services are considering if there is a connection between the two illnesses but are staying cautious with their approach. Dr. Vlad Hugh Munn has suggested the decrease in seasonal affective disorder may be the initial cause, leading to an increase in vampirism. “I’m not trying to point any fingers away from blood sucking demons, but maybe when people are happier in the winter months they turn into vampires. Just a theory, but we can’t rule anything out. Don’t question that stuff.”