A meeting inside of an active volcano in Siberia of the Secret Syndicate of Evil Corporations has recently adjourned following a secret session called after the arrest of Martin Shkreli. Mr. Shkreli made headlines earlier this year when his pharmaceutical company bought the rights to Daraprim, a drug used to treat the rare parasitic infection toxoplasmosis, which can cause blindness or death in pregnant women and patients fighting cancer or HIV. Mr. Shkreli saw all those sympathetic victims on the list, and we can only assume that the millionaire CEO scribbled “impoverished African children too lol” in crayon, before increasing the price 55 times from $13.50 to $750.00. He would later go on to explain his actions by saying it was “the right price for the drug,” (there were no other competitors making it at the time) and then vindicate himself by way of analogy. “If there was a company selling an Aston Martin at the price of a bicycle,” said a man who hadn’t recently suffered a stroke rendering him unaware that he was discussing life-saving medication and not luxury cars, “and we raised the prices to Toyota prices–that shouldn’t be a crime.”
Apparently all the cameras stopped recording after he finished that sentence because no one heard the “Psych! Fuck sick people who can’t afford medicine!” Mr. Shkreli proceeded to double down and keep prices exactly where they were. In the interest of fairness to the spawn of Satan, Shkreli made announcements to create a program to make the drug free to those with incomes 500% of the federal poverty line. We at Golden Words would like to note two things: a) 500% is less than a tenth of the rate Daraprim, a lifesaving drug not produced by anyone else, had it’s price raised, and b) the stress placed on the words “made announcements” in that sentence.
However, karma finally struck for our featured asswipe shortly afterwards on December 17th–Shkreli was arrested for securities fraud–as apparently being a piece of shit isn’t a one-time thing for Marty: he in the words of Brooklyn attorney Robert Capers had been “essentially running his company like a Ponzi scheme”. He pled not guilty and was set a $5 million bail.
This brings us back to the Secret Syndicate who convened as to whether or not they should pay his bail and help extract him to North Korea, a country more suited to his ethics. The Syndicate reached a decision to not help the CEO, because in their own words, he’s kind of too evil for them. “He kind of wrecks the curve for us” said the CEO of Pearson, a sentiment that was echoed by other textbook publishers, Wiley and McGraw Hill. “I mean the worst we’ve gone is switching up the pictures in a couple chapters and insisted that it’s a whole new book. We really just feel outclassed.” Even the big time evildoers, like Volkswagon felt that Martin Shkreli had gotten out of their league. “God we only hate the environment, not people with cancer”
Nike, H&M, and Walmart all expressed their general unease at having Shkreli rejoin the gang. “We’re kinda top shit when he’s not around,” explained Nike CEO Mark Parker “I mean sweat shops normally are pretty much the nastiest thing we thought we could do in this kind of corporate climate, but I mean technically we are still paying them (them being Thai children) even if their weekly salary is usually given out in dimes. Don’t get me wrong, we’re still pretty morally repugnant, but it’s not like we made water $30 a cup just so I get to brag on my MBa Facebook group about record profits.” Mr. Parker then gave a winning smile, pointed his fingers at an invisible camera and chirped, “Remember, Just Do It!” before sprinting away to make fun of fat teenagers in a nearby park.
At press time the Secret Syndicate had made their New Year’s Resolution to be more evil in 2016–and also to take up jogging.