Sex Positions for Non-busy Students

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Are you pursuing a degree in the Faculty of Arts and Science? Looking to fill your empty schedule? Of course you are. Here are the most convoluted sex positions that you can use to push the frontiers of student sex. Prepare to reach new boundaries in procrasticoitus in time for midterms.

 

    The Cha Gheil

This one requires three gallons of red, yellow, and blue paint, a dubious attitude towards bloodletting, as well as a full surgical team. Your best bet is to ask the nurse who lives on your floor. You must paint your bed tricolour and then using the appropriate surgical gloves and obeying any directives from the surgeon carefully insert one quart of each paint into your respective urethras.

Proceed to do the dirty with the surgical team on standby.

    Before you die of blood poisoning, perform a delicate incision using carefully sterilized scalpels. Make a quarter inch incision on both of your genitalia. Then literally bleed tricolour.

 

    The Textbook

For this sex position, you and your partner need to go get your doctoral degree in any field, work at a university until you achieve tenure. Eventually at the apex of your academic career you will be asked by a publishing company to help write a textbook for a course you teach. You must reject three offers in aggregate between the two or more of you before you are eligible for this sex position ;). Then finally write a four thousand page, full colour textbook including the appropriate annotations, sources and references open to page 497.

Lay it down and get your twinkie stinky on top of it.

Finally, abandon your academic career and sell your textbook on Kijjiji, listing it as “gently used”

 

    The Reverse textbook

Find a textbook being sold on Kijijji listed as gently used. Find a dried up yellowish spot where two PhD’s recently did the dirty. It will be on page 497.

Lay it down and get your twinkie stinky on top of it.

 

    The One Night Stand

During coitus, build a night stand. It must be cut, varnished, polished and built all during the act of coitus. Only for the disciplined lumbersexual.

 

   Getting Stauffed

This is a real toughie. Go to stauff library and, without arousing any suspicion, take out no less than one hundred and eight hardcover canadian reference books written by authors who have, at some point in their lives, stepped inside of Stauffer library. While doing this, in the main lobby, discreetly build a four poster bed using the books. The bed must be appropriately firm yet still remaining comfy. Protip: use crumpled page 497’s from previous sexplorers to soften the makeshift bed. Then seduce a librarian using only lines from Fifty Shades of Grey. Begin to screw the aforementioned librarian. Then, during the act of lovemaking, be interrupted by silly frosh loudly talking in the library. Cease coitus and reprimand them on Overheard for being loud and obnoxious. Go to sleep unsatisfied beside your spurned lover.

Hope these sex tips help rekindle your frigid love life, enjoy page 497 of your textbook!

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