Shaun White’s Gold Medals Revoked After Testing Negative for Cannabis

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It was a cold day on the slopes for Shaun White last Monday when the International Olympic Committee (IOC) renounced the superstar’s three gold medals in men’s halfpipe. At 11:00 a.m., the IOC issued a press release indicating that Mr. White’s medals were obtained through illegal actions and a lack of doping. President of the IOC, Thomas Bach, had this to say: “The games must be held on a level playing field, end of story. Failure to comply results in the revocation of the athlete’s successes and glory. Mr. White was well aware of the circumstances and the regulations, but still chose not to consume cannabis. This is unacceptable behaviour for a snowboarder and his actions must be punished accordingly.”

It wasn’t until later this week that Shaun spoke with the press on the issue. “This is fucking bullshit. I don’t get the medal now because I didn’t smoke up before the run?? What the fuck man. Just because I didn’t smoke weed doesn’t mean I wasn’t high. I popped two Oxy’s and a fucking Quaalude before my last run. How else do you think I get so much higher than everyone…?” A tough conversation for the exposed Shaun White. If only his halfpipe had been a full pipe.

Mr. White’s hearing will take place on May 12, 2018 at 9 a.m.. Until then, his medals and records have been nullified. Also, they took one of his testicles for safe measure.

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