Shit You Will Only Find in Kingston

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Welcome to Kingston, one of the weirdest and wackiest cities in Canada and here’s why.

We have squirrels that have been trained as skilled assassins. I’m not pointing any fingers or anything *cough Russia cough*. Seriously though, like they will kill you if you give them a chance. You can be walking down the sidewalk and out pops one. Gazing into your soul, it knows more than you will ever know. Last week I was riding my bike to an 8:30 in a sleepy haze when one jumped out into the bike lane and stood up on its rear legs, poised to attack me, the ensuing game of chicken scared me awake and I swerved almost getting hit by a passing car. Kingston Squirrels are not afraid of humans and have been terrorizing students by breaking into houses through screen doors and windows and stealing food from their fridge or trail mix from their desk, or even parked cars. They’ve also been known to go into Lenny and Lazy and steal bagels and pizza (seriously look it up on Overheard there’s tons of pictures). There’s pictures of Kingston squirrels eating full slices of pizza, chocolate bars, Nature Valley bars, and even full sized muffins. I’ve even seen one dig a hole through a trash bin and grab a slice of bread, eat it for 15 mins then grab another slice and continue eating.

In more somber news however recently the mythical golden squirrel has died in an unknown incident (rest his soul). Students are very superstitious about this mythical squirrel, claiming if you spot the squirrel before midterms start you will fail them. However, luckily he was a fertile squirrel and his offspring have been spotted terrorizing more students, following in his footsteps. This year a squirrel has already broken into a dorm room while a student was in the washroom, when she returned the squirrel was laying in her bed claiming it as its own. Jeez like they don’t even knock. However they aren’t all bad, one even attended convocation last year.

One of the weirdest things you can see in Kingston is sword fighting in Churchill Park, if you’re lucky you may be able to get a glance at these sword wielding gentlemen. From Mon-Friday 1:30-4:30 they usually are unpacking their suitcases full of swords or trying to give each other flesh wounds. And I’m not talking about LARPing or foam swords I saying 3 foot long 25 lb steel swords.

If you’re a secret alcoholic, odds are you picked Queen’s since there are parties literally every night in the ghetto. People are turning up on Monday nights for some reason, but who cares it’s just an excuse to drink and forget about the existential crisis that is the life of a student.

Also: Art McDonald, a Nobel Prize winner University Research Chair at Queen’s and a board member at Perimeter Institute for Theoretical Physics. Like the guy won a fucking Nobel Prize, there’s not much more to say about that

We’ve all seen these people before bagpipe players, usually found in or near City Park. Tartan clad, tam wearing, haggis eating: Pipers. Playing Scotland the Brave or Amazing Grace. It’s weird like there’s no Gaelic funeral going on but you can just find them without underwear on piping away on a Thursday at 2 in the afternoon, You can find pipers all over the world but only in Kingston will they blow your pipes or squeeze your bag if you ask nicely!

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