Sneak Peak into 2020’s Fad Diets

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Are you desperate to lose weight but too lazy to go to the gym? Already gluten-free lactose-free and vegan? Why not get ahead of the trend with these new fad diets set to hit your local health food stores by 2020!
Go raw! Calories are the enemy of weight loss. As anyone who’s ever taken a thermodynamics course knows, heat is made of calories! By eating only raw food, you can eliminate the toxic heat that your stove is injecting into your food. Over the course of a year, raw-eaters can lose up to 10 calories and have reported drastically lower rates of burnt tongues.
H2O all the way! Humans are made of 70% water, but 0% vegetables. Why eat vegetables when you could be drinking pure water? By drinking only water and not eating anything, you can avoid ingesting any of the toxic dihydrogen monoxide used by farmers to make their vegetables grow unnaturally large. Make sure you buy our certified organic all-natural water which comes in a hollow piece of quartz, free of any toxic chemicals.
Ice ice, baby! Why not combine the ideas of our last two fad diets! Since ice is colder than water, it actually contains fewer calories than water. By eating ice, you are actually losing calories and are GUARANTEED to lose weight equal to the weight of ice you eat.
Pure air! By 2025 our world will be so polluted that not even ice is safe to eat. In this dystopian society led by Stephen Harper, Kim Jong-Un, and the Illuminati, the only thing safe to consume is specially purified air. Ordinary air will be polluted by nano-sized mind control robots unleashed by the government. Fortunately for you, we have saved some clean air from the 1700’s before the air was polluted by nano-bots, carbon compounds, or any other toxic chemicals. This air is pure oxygen and nitrogen! 100% safe to breathe, and the only way to avoid Wall Street’s mind control.
While these new fad diets may seem drastic, they are the only real ways to avoid toxic chemicals, mind control, autism, and an upset stomach. Alternatively, if you just want to lose weight now, shave your head. You’ll lose up to 2 pounds in a 15 minute trip to the barber.
 

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