Members of the Senate Orientation Activities Review Board (SOARB) attended Sci ‘19’s pole climb on Saturday with hopes of easing relations with the Drunk Upper Years Association (DUYA). SOARB began by addressing the derogatory cheers that incoming students are often subjected to during orientation week. In the two hours of discussion that followed, DUYA’s tactful and measured responses to SOARB’s questions left them at a loss for words.
“It has become clear to us that SOARB treats incoming students as human beings deserving of respect,” commented Officer McNasty, a part time police officer and full time DUYA spokesperson. “We felt that the pole climb was the perfect opportunity to publicly shatter this misconception with the truth about who these shithead frosh are.” He then added, “Bro have you seen my funnel? Fucking stucons man. Hey Sarah Triple X later?” before singing Sweet Home Alabama while lovingly hugging a Gatorade bottle full of vodka.The upper years’ yelling drowned out SOARB’s side of the conversation, leaving many unaware of SOARB’s attendance. Here are both sides of the conversation.
SOARB We have found your claim that “frosh blow goats” both distasteful and unfounded in facts. How did you reach the conclusion that incoming students regularly engage in oral sex with goats?
DUYA Frosh blow goats! Frosh can’t get boners!
SOARB It is true that people who suffer from erectile dysfunction choose to pleasure their partners in other ways. What background do you have that allows you to make such a claim about the sexual health of incoming students?
DUYA Fur is murder!
SOARB I’m afraid I don’t see how that’s relevant.
DUYA Penis vagina! Penis vagina! Penis vagina! Dildos
SOARB Fair point. Several students have reported being hazed during Frosh week, why do you feel that it is necessary to ostracize students trying to find their place here at Queen’s?
DUYA Frosh have Ebola!
SOARB If that’s true then you’re absolutely right, they should be separated from the rest of Queen’s. But how could a group of students, largely Canadian, have caught Ebola?
DUYA Frosh love ISIS!
SOARB The bastards support terrorism?
DUYA Frosh are adopted!
SOARB If this is all true of course they’re unwanted!
DUYA Very small penis! Three inches average!
SOARB Three inches average indeed.
SOARB issued a press release on Sunday reading:
Since its inception SOARB has done everything in its power to ensure Incoming Students are welcomed with open arms here at their new home. Following recent discussions with representatives of the Drunk Upper Years Association we are announcing a shift in our mission statement. Fuck the frosh. Did you know they can’t get hard and regularly blow goats? What kind of subhuman sons of bitches bring Ebola to Kingston after contracting it while fighting for ISIS? We owe Queen’s University, its students, and the Kingston community our sincerest apologies for spreading misinformation about the nature of Frosh. In the upcoming years we will strive to improve our tarnished reputation by treating Frosh with the lack of dignity they deserve. Note: See Golden Words’ list of top grease pole chants to see the best of DUYA’s responses.