Social Media App Reviews

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It’s hard to ignore the presence of social media in the daily lives of Queen’s students: they connect you to your friends, help organize your life, and, if you’re lucky, can give you a 10 second low-res boob pic. Quick screencap! Screencap! Dammit, it’s gone.

For those of you out there that are new to the social media game (no, this article was not stolen from our 2008 volume), here are some ratings of popular apps around campus.


Tinder

0/5 stars

User Comments: Sit on my face

 

Tinder has been praised/blamed for “reinventing the dating game” and “leading the hook-up revolution on campuses,” both which can be attributed to the hip young thugs at the New York Times. But in my personal experience, there couldn’t be worse app for getting laid. 15 matches and JACK SHIT. I even tried by best pick up lines, like “Hey, how’s it goin?” or “I’m from Golden Words, wanna bang?” but nothing. Even convos that go on for days go dead at the suggestion of a date. I fully believe that this is the app’s fault and not mine. If you wanna get Tinder, fine, but just don’t expect to get any sex ever. Which really defeats the point.


Snapchat

4 /5 stars

User comments:

 

Snapchat is slowly taking over my life. It’s the perfect solution to the question as old as time itself: “Why am I getting these random acquaintances’ photos on my newsfeed? I don’t care!” With Snapchat, you only get photos and videos from friends you choose to add. You can even have conversations driven entirely by pictures, because honestly fuck language. Bunch of words, you had a good run for 100,000 years but it’s time to move out and let 10 second pictures take over.


Instagram

1 / 5 stars

User comments: #nofilter #jkfilter #lookatmyface #myfaceisbeautiful

 

If there’s one photo that you should ABSOLUTELY STOP DOING is sharing a photo of you, on your trip to London, standing at the stupid ‘Platform 9 3/4’ thing with the scarf blowing behind you. Seriously, fucking stop. I don’t care if you wanna take a picture, just don’t share it with anyone. It’s a) overdone and b) rubs in everyone’s face how you can afford to travel to the UK, the most expensive country to live in ever. Otherwise, some other issues with ‘Insta’ are: stupid filters, stupid duck faces, stupid mirror pump, and stupid people. This app is stupid, don’t get it.


LinkedIn

4.5/5 stars

User comments: “You should really join my network, bro!”

 

If you want to get your social media game to “creepy professional”, get on LinkedIn. Nothing gets the honeys goin’ like a pic of you in a tie standing in front of a limestone wall. Plus, LinkedIn is the perfect social network for those who don’t want to do anything on social media. There’s no pressure to change your picture, and the only status updates you need are if you change a job. And fuck Tinder and Grindr, this is the place to meet casual hookups for crazy business sex – by which I mean, the missionary position with a middle aged divorcee. If someone wants you to join their ‘network’, half the time that means an orgy.


The Weather Network

2 / 5 stars

User comments: “sends a warm front through my pants”

 

While not technically a social network, it is an app that provides more useful information than 99% of the internet. The weather is not opinion based – its grounded in cold, hard data. Which is why it puzzles me that this app is fucking wrong more than half of the time. Like c’mon – I can clearly see that it’s sunny outside – why are you telling me that it’s cloudy?! Plus, if you’re going on here to find a hookup, you should just give up and flash your genitals at a full classroom, because its going to be just as effective.


Facebook

5/5 stars

User Comments: Wow! Excellent! 10/10 would hang out all the time! Happy sex times forever! Best app for totally not like-bots!

 

Facebook is the one, ubiquitous social network. If you don’t have Facebook, its actually an inconvenience to all of your frands (not ‘friends’, which is trademarked by Facebook), because if we have to communicate for a group project, then I have to fucking email you. EMAIL! Like in the 90’s, and even then people still wrote letters instead of emailing. So when I actually hate you for not being on this social network, then you best believe it’s achieved prime status. Trying to review Facebook with the hope of someone joining it is like trying to rate and convince people in the 60’s to get a telephone. Like the kind that used to be attached to the wall! In all honesty though, Facebook its pretty on point – even the random updates that people bitch about are, in the long run, pretty useful and make the site look better. For example, here’s what the site looked like in 2012

(http://usabilitygeek.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/facebook-news-feed-2012.jpg)

Fucking Christ! And back then we didn’t even have an app. So just be grateful that the site is as clean and organized as it is today.


Twitter

unratable

User Review: This is hilarious! Never mind that’s dumb! Ha that’s clever! Holy fuck that’s racist!

There is no greater mix bag of content on the internet than Twitter. Your feed can be a mix of weird corporate outreach (“mmm looks like a great morning for a #EggMcMuffin!”), to great one liners from comedians who have mastered the medium, to people making passive aggressive comments to nobody (“Why would you do that to me?”).


 

Grindr

3 /5 stars

User Review: 8================>

Maybe I need to change the preferences on here, but I just keep getting dudes. Not really my taste but at least everyone is DTF, unlike Tinder.

 

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