Somali Pirates Upset Over Being Confused With Internet Pirates


“We just want to be recognized because what we do is generally regarded to be more unambiguously unethical and also more physically perilous.” Charles, a Somali Pirate, declared Tuesday.
    In a press release, sent by physical mail, the Somali Pirates issued a request that they be formally recognized as “the only actual pirates” and that internet piracy be rebranded. Their letter came with several suggestions for the rebranding such as “copycats”, “unrightful copy and distribution technologists”, and “hydrans” in reference to the Hydra of Greek mythology, who grew two heads for every one that was cut off.
    In their letter, the Somali Pirates mentioned several arguments for them being the rightful pirates, one of them being that they most closely adhered to the traditional lifestyle of violent seafaring. “We do not,” the letter reads, “believe it is unreasonable that our actions be kept as nominally distinct from the grey areas of internet and information distribution. Since we are actually doing reprehensible things in a rather archaic manner with some changes in the firearms and whatnot. The point stands that what we do is much more similar to the pre-existing definition of piracy, except that the classic conception of pirates were often funded by the government and occasionally called themselves privateers.”
    They also mentioned that they had a lot of trouble trying to disseminate this information online, because they had a really bad wi-fi connection and couldn’t really figure out the router.
    Their final point admitted a degree of similarity: that internet copyright infringement did operate in an area that was legally difficult to control and so left room for a lot of questions about ‘if we can’t get punished for it, should we still feel guilty?’
    Meanwhile, enormous lobbying groups representing large organizations which peddle occasionally great entertainment and perpetually sub-mediocre ‘news’ riddled with misleading statements, are still trying to find a way to shut down the free flow of information which is, for the most part, still used to watch movies you would never have paid to see anyways and songs that almost make you feel bad that the artist isn’t seeing money they wouldn’t have seen even if you had bought the album in physical copies or on iTunes.
At Press Time, some middle-aged single mother of two was being slapped with a million dollar fine for downloading a classic Bugs Bunny episode.