Some Profs at Queen’s


He’s an old grizzled man. Despite an supposedly extensive and successful career as an engineer he can’t (or won’t) write or communicate in a concise manner. Iron ring or professionalism as an engineer? He won’t give you the lecture notes before the lecture because he’s busy making them up on the go, like the labs. Upper years ask you if he’s even qualified to teach that course. You don’t even know because, you can’t pay attention in lecture, and when you do he inanely rambles about nonsense. Why is this guy even here? They say he’s laying low undercover. He’s actually an ex-navy seal code named “large leader” for defeating the original leader, Kim Jong il. The darknet says that he’s a human-mutant superweapon (like Wolverine but less Hugh Jackman Wolverine and more actual wild animal-wolverine) who’s voice is pure weaponized boring, transferring none of the things you need to know. His voice can non-fatally neutralize any human being in a matter seconds, reducing their level of consciousness the longer they listen. His lecturing was a critical component of tactical espionage operations in North Korea, he’s a legend in the eyes of those who live on the battlefield, barely conscious in his lectures. Rumour has it he’s also a contender for olympic gold medalist in boring. He’s pursuing new research at Queen’s, he claims of what he’s doing in Kingston is the missing piece: a weapon to surpass even himself.
That fucker whose course would be impossible to pass if they didn’t reuse material. Good luck unfucking your brain after all that brute force memorization and cramming.
The prof who thinks each lecture is a new competition to see how large of a word to useful information ratio they can generate. Maybe he also expects you to come up with your own practice questions and solutions, and to discover all the useful information in labs with little to no guidance. One starts to question if he really serves any purpose at all in this course.
That professor that’s too happy to be here at 8:30 in the morning teaching you math, calculus or differential equations. They’ve probably discovered the secrets of the universe and have found inner peace to deal with your stupid, and repetitive questions with their infinite patience, wisdom and kindness. They give off a kung fu panda vibe of being able to sustain themselves with only math and the cosmic energy of the universe. They shine life and hope at the top of the tower above the dungeon called Jeffrey Hall, where students languish in (mathematical) torment.
The professor that cares nothing about class ending at X:20 and starts a new example and tries to finish it as attendees of the next lecture try to trickle in.
The nitpicky obsessive professor who makes their course a practical exercise from the real world of telling people what they want to hear. Namely repeating and answering questions with what they say or write verbatim , and never disagreeing with their opinion (unless you want to tank that course harder than the Titanic tanked that iceberg). Learning content and reprocessing it in your own words? Not if you want to pass.
The hot professor you wouldn’t mind having sexual intercourse with. In an engineering building. While purple. For a mercy pass in their course, extra credit or no credit at all. You know the one, because I sure don’t.
The foreign professor that mumbles, writes math on the board and doesn’t explain anything. Bonus points if they give a pop quiz on Friday 4:30 which has an average <50% amongst attendees. Even if he spoke or knew perfect english, he’d still avoid explaining anything and just write math on the board.
That professor that’s so old that it’s said he took a personal hand in the engineering of the Earth. Word on the vine is that he’s immortal, so immortal that he once did a brief stint as the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, but left because they wanted more practical content rather than soliloquies about “Defence against the Dark Arts is an art” and pictures of his geological adventures. He also talks about his past projects of forming the earth as one of his earlier pieces of art. It’s said that any mortals foolish enough to be caught trying to steal the hammer which he forged the Earth are obliterated by environmentally friendly lasers from his eyes, decomposing them to be returned to the Earth. Alumni ask you if he’s still around, the answer is yes.
It’s times like these that make you realize you should’ve went to Hogwarts.