So I am at a party – I already know exactly what you are thinking-how do you balance a 4.3 GPA, a healthy diet, a famous Cory in The House inspired Makeup Tutorial Youtube Channel, AND still party like every night? Just a modern-day Renaissance woman and a severe stimulant addiction.
Back to the story though, I’m at this party right, and I am looking like 1969-College-Yung-and-Fresh Hillary Clinton, when most of the time I’m like a mid-2016-Trump-Brought-Up-The-Emails-Again Hillary Clinton. Of course I’m out at a house party for one reason and one reason only: to gain a large fan base strictly based on the fact that I have a great Vine account and that I bump the crispest tracks on all time.
So at this point in the night I’ve had a 1-3 Crisp Bud Light Limes, and I am loving the positive feedback for playing some Kanye oldies and some Chance newbies-a classic play and everyone knows I totally fuck. But the most sensitive part of the night is underway-people are sober enough to know what song is playing but bored enough with themselves and their friends that they just want to sing along to a song. It’s a difficult choice: do you play The Killers 2004 hit Somebody Told Me or their other 2004 hit Mr. Brightside? Famous DJ’s and I have struggled with this decision all of our lives. The entire success of the party has rested on this decision, and I bear this burden every day of my life. You know the book The Secret (Rhonda Bryne, 2016) that no one has read? I also haven’t read it but if I could guess it has the answer. What was actually written on the back of the Declaration of Independence? Me and Nic Cage haven’t got there in our Instagram DM conversation yet but we are getting there, and if I could guess it would also be the answer.
So now at this point in the party I am torn between these two worlds, and over the course of contemplation I have achieved a personal best of somewhere between 4-10 Crisp Bud Light Limes, you know a couple cold-boys with the boys, but who’s counting (4)?? So i guess you could say I am riggity wrecked, aka hammered, aka slizzard, aka blizzared, aka LIT, aka buzzed, aka juiced, aka plastered, aka shooting up heroin, aka totally wasted, aka blackout, I am a little drunk is what I just am trying to say. But the intoxication is only giving me strength. I reach across the party for my iPod shuffle, Closer by the Chainsmokers is coming to a close and the time is Now. But just seconds before I can hit play on Mr.Brightside, a get an abrupt jolt from the young gentlemen down yonder (word:10/10, execution idk/10). My shuffle does what it has been waiting its whole life to do-shuffle. It is not Mr. Brightside that echos through the home, instead it is that weird new spoken word track on Frank Ocean’s album Blond.
Like O-K Frank we have a large collection of spoken word, just because you have this weird spell over every 20-something that doesn’t listen to country, doesn’t mean you can just put whatever you want on an album.Naturally you’d think the party would abruptly end, a couple of us may die and I’d probably loose all my Vine followers, but that didn’t happen. The party kept going. I’m totally serious.
So anyways that’s the whole story. I guess what you may be thinking now is “why so much build up for a joke that was spoiled in the title? Also do you have a Crisp Bud Light Lime sponsorship? Also are you single and what are your plans tonight? Also why do you keep using the line ‘I know what you’re thinking’ it’s a bit tiring and you’ve really drove it into the ground with this one. Also what’s your Vine username? I’d like to follow you because I know the medium is still relevant comedy source, and you haven’t outdone the joke on that one either.”