Another summer of disappointing superhero blockbusters (X-Men: Apocalypse, Suicide Squad) featuring established characters moving through the motions of right, wrong, and spandex has come to pass. The abysmal box office numbers have left Hollywood executives in an all out Adderall-fueled panic as to how they will be able to maintain their coke-fueled lifestyles if the movie industry continues in this recent pattern of disinterested audiences.
However, one studio that has been a pioneering force behind the tired genre films has an innovative idea that will guarantee to pack theatres better than those hack Lumière brothers could ever dream to do in 1895.
Marvel Studios has announced that the 2017 reboot of their recently re-acquired character will be entitled “Spider-Man: Homecoming”. While many speculate that the title is a nod to Sony Pictures agreeing to release the film rights of Spider-Man back to Marvel Studios, true fans would be remiss if they didn’t infer the pivotal plot point revealed in the title.
“Homecoming” specifically refers to Richard Parker cumming in Mary (née Fitzpatrick) Parker, thus conceiving of Peter Parker. The 3 hour epic drama will showcase the origin story to end all origin stories. Watch as Richard works through the mundane but stressful life of a scientist trying to secure funding for his research, all the while trying to impregnate his wife whose biological clock is a heart-pulsing countdown to infertility!
Early reviews have garnered mixed reactions. Caldon Handoff of The New York Times said, “Now this is the type of ‘shooting webs’ cinema has been missing, something you could only see in a dirty theatre in the 70s… I miss Nixon.” While Qasim Mulbar of Vice writes, “It’s weird that they would cast Zendaya as the love interest of an embryo.”
At this point, the Marvel Cinematic Universe has you by your nerd balls. They’re just daring you not to see their next picture. But you won’t want to miss out on the watered-down pop cultural zeitgeist now do you? In 2018’s “Avengers: Infinity War”, Captain America and Iron Man settle their feud by ironically shitting on the American flag. In the upcoming sequel, “Ant-Man and the Wasp”, former United States VP Al Gore takes over the second act of the movie to talk about the dangers of global warming on insect biodiversity. For Christ’ sake, 2019’s “Captain Marvel” reveals that the titular character is actually a woman?! As if you could even imagine a female superhero???
So strap in movie-goers, because the next 10 years of summer superhero movies will reach so far into the stratosphere of inane bullshit that you’ll long for the days when your Jesus allegories just featured Christopher Reeve’s with a red “S” on his chest.