Spooky Movies for your Spooky Evenings

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T’is the season! Wait, wrong holiday.

That’s right – Halloween is approaching, and with the actual date in the middle of the week, you’ll be able to party your pointy devil ears off for two magical weekends! While doing so though, you might find it prudent to consider taking a night or two off to rest, or maybe save yourself a couple of extra bucks on another costume. Whatever the reason, I’ve got years of Halloween movie specials to help you decide what exactly you want to watch. After careful consideration, I’ve decided on a list that cannot be debated. Take a look:

1) Twitches

If you haven’t at least heard of this movie I feel bad for you. Here’s the context: It’s 2005. Year after year, Disney Channel has failed to capitalize on their movie format. That’s right, this is before High School Musical was released and taught me to embrace my fetish for being flaccid. It gets me hard seeing that I’m unerect, but then it gets me flaccid again. It’s really a never ending cycle. Regardless, the Disney Channel was a wasteland of bad movies that did nothing for nobody ever. Then came along Twitches, starring Tamera and Tia Mowry. And everything changed. Like a godsend, down from Mount Olympus descended a movie, not just about witches, but twin witches. To call a movie Twin Witches would be smart, I’ll give them that, but to call it Twitches? Pure brilliance. Genius. The peak of human intelligence. Other synonyms. Nonetheless, Twitches came out, promoted like crazy since Disney knew it would be the next big thing, and lo and behold, the universe exploded. A second big bang. Father Time fucks the Space-Time Continuum and gives birth to a mobius strip after a heated discussion about terminating the pregnancy. Father Time refuses custody of the child and they engage in a heated legal battle resulting in a temporal rift that allows Twitches to escape from an alternate reality of utopia into ours.

Opening to a 5 million viewer premiere, the movie chronicles the lives of magical twins, Alex and Cam, SEPARATED AT BIRTH, and their attempts to fight off their enemy, called THE DARKNESS. How intense is that – a truly epic tale. Nonetheless, I won’t go into too many details because I’ve already said too much. There’s everything you would ever need in a movie; twins, witches, amulets, love, high school parties, murder. Make sure you can watch this movie in one sitting, and I would recommend you invite as many people as you can to it. It technically doesn’t count as Halloween unless you watch this.

2) Twitches, Too

Think that was the end of Twitches? Their story was over? Well the price is wrong bitch. Your girls Alex and Camryn (those are the Twitches characters) are now in wizard university or some shit, and are up to their antics again. Unprotected sex, orgies, and coke-infused weekly benders are the norm. Well not actually, but they have trouble doing their dishes with magic. Nonetheless, The girls fuck up and bring THE DARKNESS back cuz they didn’t have to deal with it for long enough the first time. Anyway, it’s a sequel worthy of all its praise, and you better watch this one too or else I’ll come at you with the wrath of God or maybe even THE DARKNESS.

That’s it. Merry Halloween fuckers.

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