So I’m chilling there, huge party. Biggest party of the year in fact, and I’m faced with DJ-ing. In other words, I’ve got the biggest responsibility to keep the party going – people know me to bring the hottest bangers to any party. And who would I be if I couldn’t give the people what they wanted? I spent all day creating the greatest playlist of all time. Throwbacks? Throw some R. Kelly in for when the party gets steamy, throw some B Street Boys for when people need a bump. Classic tunes? I added Justin Bieber for the ladies, and Kanye for the boys. New shit? I grabbed the hottest tunes that my older brother listens to and popped them right in. And there it was, the best 6 hour playlist that had ever been created under God’s good earth.
And that’s how I ended up at this banger of the century. People of all ages and sizes are coming up to me congratulating me on the best music ever. Song after song after song, perfectly curated through my Spotify account to maximize hype and bring out the party animal in everyone. I’m talking to this group of PheKin girls as 99 Problems ends and all of a sudden I hear a pause. My ears perk up, as I know the next song should be Area Codes by Ludacris, but instead I hear a sound come from my Spotify that takes my breath away.
“The next thirty minutes are ad free, thanks to the following sponsor”.
My throat wells up – didn’t I just subscribe to Spotify Premium? I thought I had a family account! Why oh why is this happening? The girls immediately laugh at me and leave to talk to and presumably engage in sexual intercourse with my high school bully when the ad begins. It’s the Ontario drunk driving ad, you know, where the kid is on the way to meet his girlfriend at the mall and he gets fucked up cuz he’s on his phone? Well it starts and I’m about to die of embarrassment when someone pipes up, “Is this some of that nouveau shit?” and starts dancing to it. Another person shouts, “Man this new Frank Ocean album is weird as hell but it’s sick”. All of a sudden the whole party starts going crazy, jamming out like you wouldn’t believe! It’s only a 30 second song, and people are all upset, but then the momentum keeps going and going and every 30 minutes another ad about some kid’s parents crying cuz he can’t feel his legs goes on and the party gets crazier and crazier. People left saying the music was the best it’s ever been, and I got so many numbers I felt like girls thought I was someone else. In any case, just wanted to get this story off my chest – it’s really more of a confession – it was all an accident. So for those at the party, I’m truly sorry. But honestly FUCK APPLE MUSIC FUCK TIDAL YOU CAN’T SUE ME FREE SPEECH BITCHES.