St.Patrick’s Day Schedule


7:00 AM: Semi-motivated students everywhere wake up to make pancakes, then change their minds and go back to sleep
8:00 AM: COR employees begin worst day of the year by letting through the 50 person line.
8:30: Daniel Woolf shotgun’s first beer on Aberdeen Street and breaks ceremonial beer bottle in a long standing tradition to respect Irish values.
9:00 AM: Girl skips pancake kegger because she doesn’t eat gluten. Proceeds to drink copious amounts of beer.
10 AM: Female frosh Instagrams selfie from res with the caption “Irish for a day”, or “Irish you were here“.
11:30 AM: ELEC 221 Professor chirps the three students who actually decide to come to class.
12:00 PM: Little Caesar’s runs out of pizza.
1:00 PM: Home for a Rest played for 10th time.
1:30 PM: St. Paddy’s celebratory costume completely falls apart.
2:00 PM: St. James’ Cathedral starts religious ceremonies to celebrate the life and contributions of the patron saint of Ireland – service postponed due to particularly loud game of slap cup. 
3:00 PM: Your friend Brady passes out after a 7 hour keg race. 
3:15 PM: Your friend Jessica finally gets home from class and frantically chugs three beers. 
3:30 PM: Jessica passes out.
4:00 PM: St. Patrick’s Day 2016 breaks world record for day with most spontaneous pukes, with 8 hours still left in the day.
5:00 PM: St. Patrick shakes head in disapproval from heaven. Attempts to lead snakes into Kingston.
6:00 PM: Fish the pancakes out of the garbage that you threw away this morning because you wanted to get drunk faster.
7:00 PM: Brief Moment of Silence for the Irish Potato Famine.
8:00 PM: Chris finishes 8th naked mile, realizes he should probably stop playing beer pong.
9:00 PM: Facebook last names changed to middle names in preparation for wave of damning pictures.
10:00 PM: The phrase “let’s rally” is uttered 1000 times in a single 15 minute period.
11:00 PM: Guy at Stages panics when he realizes he didn’t bring any condoms, not realizing he isn’t going to be laid anyway. 
12:00 AM: St. Patrick brings out the leprechaun constellation, which shines for one night a year and can only be seen by those who have consumed a worthy amount of beer.
1:00 AM: Brady wakes up in a pool of his own vomit, sighs, and begins his essay due Friday at 8:30 AM (still covered in vomit).
2:00 AM: Daniel Woolf completes St. Paddy’s celebrations by heroically passing out in the COR
2:30 AM: The final first-year stumbles out of Fluid victoriously.
3:00AM Those who are still somehow awake groan when they realize they could have been asleep hours ago