1/5 stars – Neil deGrasse Tyson, Astrophysicist
[SPOILERS INSIDE BUT SERIOUSLY THIS IS A HUMOUR NEWSPAPER YOU’RE NOT HERE FOR SUBTLETY AND RESPECT TO YOUR INTERESTS]
Look, I love the concept of seeing a Star War as much as the next director of the Hayden Planetarium. But when me and my boi Nye went out to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens at the local theatre, I was profoundly disappointed by the lack of scientific accuracy and the laziness of the film-makers when it comes to the laws of physics.
I previously thought that JJ Abrams was a skilled producer of quality, lens-flare-based entertainment. But The Force Awakens has all but convinced me now that he is hack from hell who has no idea that when a planet-sized Death Star (c’mon – that’s what it is) sucks the ENERGY FROM A FUCKING SUN, all life in the solar system (including the death star planet!) would be killed because do you realize how important the goddamn sun is??? Pretty fucking important. I assumed you knew that, Lucasfilm, because a preschooler knows that, but it seems that I have to explain every little thing to you because I’m Neil Degrasse Fucking Tyson.
Upon leaving the movie, these errors and more bothered me so much that I had to go home and binge-watch all the previous six to see if it was a fluke. And they were the exact same! Have you been to space, George Lucas? Or even vaguely aware of how it works? Because even though I haven’t made it up there (yet), it is general knowledge that there is no gravity in space. But yet in Star Wars people are walking around the ships hurtling through space as if they were on Earth. What’s up with that? Plenty of other space films – 2001: a space odyssey, Interstellar, The Martian – have at least created a rotating spaceship that can simulate gravity. But are we just to assume that there is some magical, hidden technology on all of these craft that can create gravity out of thin air? Because I do not see movies to assume, Mr. Lucas. We can barely get people to believe that Climate Change is real when the goddamn climate is changing, never mind that the laws of physics are completely thrown out the window just because you put fucking “a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away” at the start, like some sort of bullshit legal disclaimer you thought would cover all your basis. But you didn’t think the muthafuckin NDT would show up, did ya you simple bitch?
While I’m at it, here are a bunch more grievances I had with this awful, awful movie’s “science”: The ability to block lasers with another laser, a sword made of a finite stream of light, programing droids to speak a language that only a few people can understand, every fucking planet consisting of exactly ONE biome, x-wing fighters flying in space as if they were going through the air and not a vacuum, Chewbacca’s bowcaster, a spaceship that can travel faster than the speed of light, and last but not least a planet with a death ray made out of the sun that it can shoot at other planet and destroy it. You know how ridiculous that sounds? Christ.
7/5 stars – Rachel Hamilton, Nerd
Okay, the movie is about to start (yes, Star Wars, again) but I need to get down some of my thoughts while it is still new. I have to say, eight times just isn’t enough to experience it in all its glory, I’ll need to see it at least four more times just to get a basic concept of everything, but this brief and uneducated review will have to do. When I first witnessed this great masterpiece I was in awe the whole way through. My hands are near permanently clenched from excitement. The first scene was a bit blurry, but that could have been from the tears, it was such a magical pan down from the traditional Star Wars sliding text, I just couldn’t hold in my emotions.
Before I continue I just want to state that there aren’t any significant spoilers in this review, because spoilers are lame, but wtf are you doing with your life? Stop being a knob and go see the damn movie. But you have to see it at least six times, otherwise you haven’t really seen it and your opinions are invalid.
There was this one scene and the ship was all pew pew pew, but then the one guy hit the other guys and the other guy fell. The ship that got hit crashed on a planet and some people were hurt and some people weren’t. It was sooooo cool. There were all these special effects and did you know that BB-8 was a practical effect, he actually exists, and if you don’t think that is the sickest shit you need to get the frack out of my face.
There were also some pretty good battle scenes, and cool af explosions. I bet they brought in Michael Bay to help with some of those scenes. But J.J. Abrahms is boss, Man, he don’t need no help. My only real upset, which is the same in every Star Wars movie ever – why are the StormTroopers so gaddamn pathetic. You’d think by now, with all the fancy new technology, that they might be able to get some armour that actually blocks lasers. Or hey, here is a funny idea, some helmets that they can actually see out of? But I digress, it really is a great movie, though any movie that doesn’t have a Jar-Jar Binks is decent in my books.