Starbucks Acquires Goodes Hall


In a startling move by the School of Business, the historic Goodes Hall building has been sold to Starbucks Co. for the purpose of removing its other functions and replacing them with a multi-storey coffee shop. The company has plans to rename the West Wing of the building as the Pumpkin Spice Memorial Wing, with seasonal drinks being stocked in plenty all year round. “It is clear to the administration that our faculty expends far too much of its operating budget on making “shit look fancy” and has instead decided to forgo its usual standard of outrageous luxury en lieu of dealing with ordinary classrooms just like every other faculty in the school,” David Saunders, the Dean of Commerce, issued in a statement today, “Having TVs in meeting rooms? I mean c’mon, we all understand that those who make a living dealing in money will usually have a fair bit of it, but that doesn’t mean we just take a shit on the idea of frugality with leather couches, beautiful conference tables & rooms, glass windows and the lot.”
In a Golden Words investigation done into the financials of the school, the Making Shit Look Fancy section of the budget accounted for 87% of the faculty’s overall spending.
The decision was put in motion after a recent poll conducted by the Faculty of Polling discovered that 0.01% of commerce students had ever worked a day of their lives, and those who had were all transfer students. The rest of the poll concluded that most of the time spent in Goodes Hall group rooms was spent watching movies and TV and fantasizing over exercising executive power. The streaming of Suits and The Wolf of Wall Street alone accounted for 85% of the building’s wifi usage, with another 10% spent on Instagram pictures of Starbucks coffee cups and the view looking out from Goodes stairs.
The decision was applauded by the university at large, with Commerce excited to be able to drop the pretense of doing work. Lorenzo Wong, Comm. ‘17, said that “I am so goddamn tired of spending long hours at Goodes, I want to be able to watch corporate themed TV in the comfort of my own home. All day, I have to act like Commerce is so much work, and that I have to do is financials and stock pitches. I’m tired of lying to my housemates and friends: all I ever do is search Youtube videos of top 10 cutthroat executive speeches and watch Mad Men.”
Meanwhile the Faculty of Arts and Science was particularly ecstatic about the expansion of the café. Faith Robertson, Arts ‘17 and President of the Queen’s White Girls Association, said that “The faithful are reverently expecting the construction of yet another Cathedral to the Almighty Star of Bucks. There are prayers held every morning in expectation of global peace, an end to Tim Horton’s, and to an extension of the great season of Pumpkin Spice. Praise be to the Venti and the Mocha and the almighty Mermaid.” Other Arts students are excited about the employment prospects. We spoke to Luke Kiff, Cul. Arts ‘17, while he was standing in line to get a mocha venti. “Y’know, I ain’t no mathemagician but a Starbucks that’s like several pi times as big means there must be at least a whole bunch more time for me to work there before, during, and after I finish my Philosophy doctorate.”
At press time, Engineering students had not been outside of the ILC long enough to hear about the purchase but were reported as still being jealous of Commerce’s shit.