Starbucks to Introduce Pumpkin Spice Enema

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Starbucks, the company inexplicably worth $56 billion made from selling burnt bean water and diabetes, debuted its newest addition to its autumnal line of products: the Pumpkin Spice Enema.
CEO Howard Schultz says the company prides itself on being in tune with the demands of an ever-changing consumer population. ““We’re finally giving the people what they’ve always wanted – a seasonal anal cleanse in a flavour that’s become ubiquitous with THE worst girl in your Poli Sci class. You’re picturing her right now aren’t you? Yeah no, Jenna, I totally get that Hunters are an investment…”
This landmark decision came after last year’s successful “Peppermint Chip Catheter” campaign, where customers would receive artificially flavoured sweetener and hot steamed milk straight up the dick.
Other ideas were also considered before the Enema was finalized. The “Mocha Latte Bidet” and “the Tall Chai Tea Latte No Whip Eye Drop” which were both recalled due to health concerns. But despite these missteps after only three years, forty million dollars, and ninety-eight cases of third degree burns Starbucks R&D arrived on the much anticipated Enema.
Said one local employee, “Yeah we basically just bring people into our Mad Max-era wasteland bathrooms and have our disgruntled, underpaid college student staff expertly spread apart your glutes to fill you up with the warmth and nostalgia a PSL evokes.” to which the world enthusiastically responded by giving that man all of their money.
After the historic $50 million dollar donation to his now namesake Smith School of Betrayal, Goodes Hall will be the first Starbucks in Kingston to roll out the exclusive “beverage.” For the commie in your life you has just enough time to update their Facebook profile but not enough to associate with you in public, the Pumpkin Spice Enema™ is the perfect way to incorporate 700 calories, misplaced wealth, and cultural ignorance into your diet today!
 

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