Stephen Harper Announces He Will Take a Year Off to Focus on His Music


After his resounding defeat in the October 19th election, technically-still-Prime-Minister and Legion of Evil Chairman, Stephen Harper, has announced he will be taking a leave of absence from Canadian politics to focus on recording an album with the Vancats, his musical side project. In a release issued Friday, Harper noted that he was partially relieved to have lost the election, as the job of being Prime Minister was affecting how frequently the band could rehearse and, “harshing [his] creative mellow.”
“It’s hard to be inspired to write the progressive rock song of the decade when you’re constantly flying over the country disregarding civil liberties and pillaging the natural environment,” Harper said. At the press conference held to announce his sabbatical, the reigning champion of Canada’s Smuggest Grin Competition mentioned that the gruelling 78-day campaign had given him many things to write about, hinting that the Vancats’ lead single would feature an angsty chorus disparaging his successor, media heartthrob, Justin Trudeau. “Think ‘You Belong With Me’ but with a tuned-down sound and me on lead vocals, of course,” said Harper, alluding to the famous Taylor Swift song.
It is rumoured that the album will be produced by none other than Chad Kroeger of Nickelback, with whom Harper has a close personal friendship. Kroeger and Harper are a natural pairing, as they were both recently dumped publicly: Kroeger by Avril Lavigne, and Harper by every voter that doesn’t own a Confederate flag. The shared bitterness will likely be the driving motif of the album, layering Harper’s grating voice over the unintelligible guitar thrashing that has made Nickelback infamous. Music critics nationwide have called for Justin Bieber to be involved in the album as well, in the belief that uniting the three worst things to happen to Canadian music on one album will confer some type of dark wizard powers upon any listener who can sit through the entirety of it.
In recent years, Harper has made a habit of covering rock and roll staples at Conservative Party fundraisers, demonstrating a stage presence that is usually reserved for drunk uncles at uncomfortable Christmas dinners. He has claimed that he will not tour with the Vancats, but will keep performing at party fundraisers when asked. Upon finishing the album, Harper has indicated that he will return to his seat as MP for Calgary Heritage, where he intends to continue his lifelong ambition of dismantling the Constitution Act, 1982, and breeding competitive show kittens.