Jared van Spiltizdefer was walking through the ghetto with his woes, having a good time. A great time in fact. The overcast sky helped shield his pasty skin from UVA and UVB rays, his Stan Smith’s gave him the proper ankle support to stumble around without fear of re-aggravating his sprain, and his beer was hidden in a Tim’s cup so no cops would talk to him. It seemed like it was going to be a great Homecoming, nay, the best Homecoming. Little did he know the horrifying events that would soon transpire.
In a shocking series of events, Jared van Spiltizdefer came to realize that Josh from his high school biology class didn’t tell him that he was coming to Queen’s for Homecoming. Police subdued him at his home after receiving a call from concerned neighbours who heard him trashing his house in a fit of rage. “I just don’t know what to do,” said van Spiltizdefer, tears visibly streaming down his face. “I thought we went to high school together man!” After scrolling through his Facebook feed looking for sweet Stages photos from the last night, he came across a photo of Josh.
“Honestly, just be like “I’m in town for HoCo, we should try to reach the same kegger” and then put no effort in. That’s how you should do it!” said van Spiltizdefer. This incident is part of a rising phenomenon of people from high school not wanting to hang out with van Spiltizdefer. Kingston Police have taken a break from annoying students to begin an investigation into this occurrence.
When we reached out to Josh for comment on the incident he responded, “Honestly, I just came because of some camp buddies, I don’t get what the big deal is. I never talked with this dude when we were in high school, so why should we pretend like we were friends now.”
For van Spiltizdefer, HoCo 2015 will forever leave a bitter taste in his mouth. Feeling abandoned and dejected, he can only hope to drink his sorrows away during Halloweekend when he goes dressed as a slutty nurse.