“We have the interests of all students at heart”
In light of a recent motion by the board of trustees to review Queen’s system of student-run non-academic discipline, a new group calling themselves “HumAns Maintaining Mediocre lEvels of enforRcEment not while Drunk” has decided to run a private investigation into the matter.
HAMMERED’s agents decided to attack the matter from a number of different levels, including the street level: “I volunteered immediately for the position,” (Name Removed) stated. “I knew that wandering around pissing in the streets was right up my alley. The boss needed someone to get into the system, and here I was, ready-made.”
Two other agents started a “bar fight” in the underground, allegedly over whether or not TBT should actually involve throwing things – such as empty cans – backwards over one’s head while partying it up. Edit: Turns out only the first one was actually an agent.
Still others decided that physical pursuits were not their strong-suits, and so pursued the system from above. Bobby A. Reginald was one: “Yeah, it was a pain to actually have to study. And sure, it cut into my social time, but my bridge partners knew what I was going for and supported me all the way. In the end, I managed to get the 4.7 average needed for law school, thanks to their dedication and sacrifice (the bridge they built for APSC-200 was unable to support even its own weight). With that, I went into NAD as a legal counsel. I’m not supposed to say anything, but some of the stuff we found out was bad.”
What exactly was that “bad stuff?” Well, after waiting a few days for the reports to get started, and about two hours for them to be finished, a spokesperson for HAMMERED gave the following statement:
“While we all know that Queen’s has a long and rich history of students’ opinions shaping the school – like the construction of Mac-Corry, instated after student riots in the 60s – our report has found that these opinions sometimes lead us astray: we have come to the conclusion that the NAD system has strayed from it’s origins, and therefore needs to be completely overhauled. For one, upper year students are once again in situations of crippling debt, and have no way to pay for certain necessities. Therefore, it is our recommendation that the current NAD system be done away with, and the old ways come back. We think that upper years should once again have the power to impose fines on frosh for the terrible things they get up to these days, including ‘looking at us’, ‘being happy’, and ‘still having the light of hope in their eyes.’”
When asked what other reasons they had for this major shift, HAMMERED declined to comment, although a member was heard muttering “Why the hell do they need another reason? I just mortgaged my landlords house to pay for another couple of kegs, that’s got to be reason enough.”
No word yet on how the board is taking this recommendation.