Student Reportedly Loses IQ Points After Wisdom Teeth Extraction

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It was a crisp and cool August day in 2017, the kind of day that just screams ‘AH! ORAL SURGERY!!’. Or at least it certainly was the case for incoming fourth year student, Stew Dent.

Stew was an urban planning major, nothing too noble, but Stew took a quiet pride in knowing that he was going to change the world with his degree. He may have had a loose definition of what his degree was, citing that he hoped to “someday work in an Urban Outfitters or even an Urban Planet”, but Stew was a diligent worker whose life was invariably changed after that fateful august day.

To fully understand the gravity of this story we must go all the way back to the summer of 2014, when Stew was transitioning from high school student to frosh student. His parents thought it would be best if he took an IQ test in order to “see where he at”. Cut to summer of 2017, Stew’s parents made him take another IQ test after 3rd year to “see where he at now” and this is where it goes south. Stew astonishingly scored a clean 30 points lower which was, “a real bummer dude”, according to him. Stew’s parents, with their thick midwestern accents and clothes that unironically look twenty years old, gave us their opinions, “Oh Stewy-Boy? He’s good kid who doesn’t have a mean bone in his entire body. I’m convinced that the evil Dr. Gutenberg took some his wisdom along with his wisdom teeth! Ol’ Stew was such a sharp kid back in highschool but now he’s slower and always smells like my drunk uncle Ned who has a smoking issue”. Mr. and Mrs. Dent told me they hadn’t seen Stew since he left their hometown of Shmack, BC and that his whole personality and mannerisms are completely different from what they were in high school.

Next we saw a video of Stew from high school as captain Mathlete in the BC provincial finals. He was cool, calm, collected and answered math questions from transformations to trigonometry with confidence and ease. Whenever he buzzed in he took control of the room and it was clear everyone respected him. After watching that moment in history, we watched Stew’s latest snapstory from frosh week to see how his dent in IQ has affected him.

The first 10 second clip had the caption, “we out here again boyzzz” and the video was just of Stew smashing cans of PBR against his head. Most of them were full and I’m pretty sure one was frozen. The next story had Stew polishing off an entire Mickey of vodka with the caption ‘I literally do this every week’.

It’s clear that Stew had lost some IQ points, after all, what kind of star Mathlete would willingly smash frozen cans of liquid against his head? But that last snap made me think there was more to this story so we paid Stew a visit. He showed us all the videos saved on his cracked iPhone 6s. He showed us a snapstory from first year frosh week of him and his floormates studying calculus on a Friday night with the caption, “gotta get prepped!”. I watched over 10 minutes of snapstories chronicling young Stew’s undergraduate career, each one more depraved than the last. One from second year was of Stew sleeping on a bunch of empty beer bottles, some shattered.  I mean, he had a snapstory from third year of him clearly in bed with a girl, like a public snapstory. That is not cool. I could feel my own IQ dwindling just from witnessing these harrowing and borderline illegal clips.

It’s clear that Stew is a different man than he used to be. Whatever changed him, whether it were the years of binge drinking and drug use or the routine surgery that 85% of all adults have to get, we’ll never know. What I do know is that we lost a great man. A man that could have led a generation and sculpted young minds. A man that could have been anything or anyone. Rest in Peace, pre-university Stew (1996 – 2014).

 

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