Student Sick at University: “Proof That God Has Abandoned Us All”


Area student, Cecelia Tierney, began her Wednesday morning like any other Wednesday morning – in a panicked stupor as a result of an especially basic Tumble the night before. Little did she know that her day would deteriorate well past her now menial list of regrets, into something she could have no way of anticipating.
Despite shielding herself in what she proclaimed was a “beer jacket” and refusing to take her coat with her on her night out, somehow, as an exception to Western medicine, Miss Tierney caught a cold.
“This comes as a total shock to me, if I’m being totally honest. I mean, as a 20 year old, I feel my notions of immortality are being attacked,” Miss Tierney opened up to us, via a conference call comprised of her mother and her “friend” Brandon.
Scientists globally recognize Miss Tierney’s claim that, “There is nothing more pathetic than buying no-name cough medicine in line behind someone buying Muscle Milk™ and condoms at 9:43 am in the ARC pharmacy. I mean, what type of life do you lead that you would need both those items more than two hours before noon?! Did you finish a luxurious mid-morning work out and worry at the chance that you may contract an STD on the way to your POLS lecture? I need some Vaporub.”
As Miss Tierney justified buying $5 organic orange juice because it was the only piece of advice she remembered from a Buzzfeed article on wellness she read, she was suddenly overcome by an often overlooked symptom of being non-fatally sick while alone at university– existentialism. 
Walking down Union, the student really contemplated how no one would ever be able to sympathize with the pain and self-pity she was undertaking. “This electrified meat sack that I call a body is my burden to bear alone. I theoretically could fall in love one day, find my soulmate;  someone who understands my complexities and still loves me despite my shortcomings, yet if I were to sneeze in their proximity I would be abandoned for the leper that I am. Not even my mother, THE WOMAN WHO I WAS A PART OF, could muster up genuine response to my proclamation of ‘It huuuuuuurts.’ Nietzsche was wrong, God isn’t dead. God just turned his back to First-World illness. He’s getting my Tweets, and actively assuming an indifference any Reddit agnostic would be proud of. This corporeal vessel moves through this dimension alone. No one cares. It would be better to just shut up about our colds and better spend our time discussing our dreams.” 
At press time, Miss Tierney was updating her Instagram bio and will to include her time of death (physically and emotionally) in what she assured Golden Words was “not an overreaction.”