Student Traumatized After Acquaintance Actually Tells Him How It’s Going

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At 7pm on most days, local Queen’s student Thad Everley leaves his house on Albert and Brock and heads over to Stauffer Library, usually to finish assignments or catch up on classes he was “too dank” to attend. Along the way, Thad will often bump into friends or other familiar faces. “If I’ve talked to them in the past year, or masturbated to them in the past 4, I’ll usually say hey,” says Thad about the interactions. “I’ll usually say something like: ‘how’s it going’, as I walk by. Sometimes they’ll do the same, or they might just not respond,” he elaborates. To Thad’s horror, a recent one of these interactions did not go as planned.
At 7:08pm, Thad noticed former lab partner Sally Xing approaching from down University Avenue. As the distance between them narrowed, Thad began to panic. Should he stop to talk? Should he even say anything? Finally, he acknowledged her with a slight nod, and said “how’s it going?” in an unenthusiastic monotone.
To the shock of Thad and many other pedestrians, Sally shifted her feet so as to block the path in front of Thad, trapping him in like a caged orangutan about to be experimented on for the first time. “I’m doing great Thad! Thanks for asking. Just on my way to hand in a chem assignment, and then I have a tutorial. How about you?” At this point, eye witnesses have reported that all foot traffic on University Avenue froze, the novelty of the situation still setting in. Thad attempted to respond, but could only produce several grotesque choking noises. He was found unconscious in the middle of the sidewalk two hours later, bleeding from the ears and curled in the fetal position.
When Thad regained consciousness, paramedics attempted to assess his medical health. However when asked how he was, Thad was unable to respond.
 

 

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